As an associate judge in the family court, an occasional responsibility was talking with children who were the subject of the custody litigation.    I was reminded of one such experience recently over a ham sandwich. 

The litigation involved a child who had been the first- and only- born of a young marriage.  Years earlier, the Husband and Wife had readily split up cars, big screen televisions, timeshares (these were more prosperous times) and bank accounts.  Agreeing to a house sale, each received enough sufficient down payments for more modest homes. (Definitely, more prosperous times.) 

Often the case, the very young child, who was top priority, had been the last, most difficult ‘item’ to be decided.  After spending the equivalent of an Ivy League college’s tuition on psychologists and private eyes, the parents finally agreed in mediation.  A detailed parenting plan put the child at Mom’s for a majority of the school year and at Dad’s for most of the summer, with lots of back and forth throughout the year.

Years later, when I met with the child – John – by then a teenager, each of his parents had remarried.  His mother had two additional biological children and his father had three.   The litigation concerning John involved summer vacation and a Sunday overnight. 

So – back to the ham sandwich  – I asked John to describe his life during the week and weekends.  He first talked of soccer successes and trouble with Algebra, shying from anything too personal.  But as cold sodas and my drawer of Snicker Bars loosened his tongue, he articulated a common complaint:  You’ve ordered a ham sandwich? He asked.  Yes, of course, I answered. If it comes with a pickle, do you eat it? He asked.  Of course.  If it comes without the pickle, do you complain? No, I answered. Well, I’m the pickle.  At both houses, if I’m there; fine; if I’m not, fine. Life goes on with or without me.  The child, who had begun as the main course, believed himself – right or wrongly – to be a dispensable side dish.

Who knows what the long-term effect of this is?  Unless we’ve been a flight attendant or a commercial pilot or the child of divorce, we haven’t lived the vagaries that come with sleeping three nights here, two nights there, often out of a suitcase, back and forth at someone else’s schedule for years on end. 

How to make a child feel integral, without making him feel as if he’s abandoning his family when he leaves for the other is a challenge for parents.  Permanent possessions and places to keep things in each home?  Permitting easy flow from house to house? Access to items needed, but left at the other home.   The right to say No and to demand occasional schedule changes.

It’s a real pickle.