Blog > reMarriage Blogs > Is This Town Big Enough for the Both of Us?
April 29, 2009

Is This Town Big Enough for the Both of Us?

Patricia Lasher

Baby boomers and younger movie buffs recall that poignant epilogue in The Way We Were.  Years after their inevitable split, Streisand’s Katie Morosky Gardner runs into Redford’s Hubbell Gardner in front of New York’s Plaza Hotel.  She is remarried, happily; he is comfortably entwined with a lovely young blonde.  Babs and Bob greet softly, smile tenderly, exchange warm greetings, part gently.   I know a long divorced couple who still gather around the same Christmas tree, swap recipes and exchange dog sitting chores.  That’s one extreme. 

Like a car wreck we couldn’t look away from, The War of the Roses set a different tone.  While couples like the Roses often end up friendless – and less affluent — by the time the judge’s gavel pronounces them asunder, no one ever wonders whether to invite them both for a dinner party. 

Years ago, I tried a lawsuit, defending a recent divorcee who stood inside the church door on Sunday morning, waiting for her ex-husband and his new wife to approach.  Only when the newlyweds were nearing the first of the five wide steps would my client leap into view and, with the voice of a tent preacher, shout “Jezebel!  You Jezebel!”   We won the case, avoiding a permanent restraining order, but I’d bet the sum in the offering plate that the battles went on. 

Most divorced couples (an oxymoron?) fall somewhere in between the Gardners and the Roses:  a strained tension exists, but no one needs body armor.  They often continue to live in the same city after divorce.  They may belong to the same church, work out at the same gym, peruse the same bookstore, and shop at the same farmer’s market.  For most, it works.

For others, it’s stressful.  When he sees the Ghost of Wedding Past walking toward his favorite Stairmaster at the gym, blood pressure elevates.   She returns a sneer and later tells her best friend “I think his new girlfriend just graduated from kindergarten.”  

Maybe in those cases, the judge should forget dividing the property, and concentrate on dividing the state or city.

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3 Responses to “Is This Town Big Enough for the Both of Us?”

  1. Nancy Says:
    April 29th, 2009 at 10:09 pm

    You bet! After 16 years from their split, my husband and his ex wife do manage to be civil. This was more easily achieved by their living many hundreds of miles apart!!

  2. Melissa F. Brown Says:
    April 30th, 2009 at 10:33 am

    As the adult child of divorced parents, any event involving the attendance of both my parents was one I dreaded. My parents divorced after 35 years of marriage and after the birth of my two children. Thus, the gatherings usually revolved around their grandchildren’s activities, not mine. Even as an adult, and an adult divorce lawyer no less, I the tension in the air was always palpable and my stomach was usually in knots. I worried if my father would leave early in a huff or whether my mother would cry or who should I sit with and do I invite everyone to dinner afterward? What to do??? Finally, after 14 years of this stress, my parents started acting like adults. They now sit together and cheer on their grandchildren. My step-father, who is wonderful btw, is there and often my father’s girlfriend, who is equally wonderful, is present. You have no idea how their “growing up” and acting cordial to one another has impacted my children and me. So for all of you who want to battle on, please know your daggers often hurt the ones you love most so put down your weapons and celebrate the fact that your bad marriage is over, now you can move on and find new joys in life! If you look, they are there!

  3. Sweetie Berry Says:
    May 1st, 2009 at 2:26 pm

    I have been divorced for a decade from my children’s father. We are originally from a small town in a Southern state. Truth is, its a decision. While neither he nor I wanted to maintain a relationship when the marriage ended, we knew that our children needed us to choose to be okay with one another and make good decisions together. My ex husband and his wife now sit with us at ballgames, come to activities in our town, and from time to time we all go to the same things to support our children. Strife is a choice, and it takes two to continue it. We choose not to put our children through having to choose who to be with, we choose still to remain in peace as much as possible, even when we are from opposite sides of thinking often. Children lose their parents in a divorce, they shouldn’t have to deal with the continuing drama…adults can choose to be adults! Allow the disagreements and upsets to be contained when and where they do not affect your children, small or grown’s lives!