reMarriage Blogs
March 9, 2010
A Teen’s View of Therapy After Divorce
Ty
When my parents first got divorced, I was around ten or eleven years old. I was old enough to understand the basics, but not mature enough to grasp the long term consequences. I was soon thereafter sent to a shrink, *ahem*, a therapist, where for the love of anything, I could not understand why. I would go to this person, play board games, computer games, and simply talk about whatever was brought up. Nothing was wrong with me, and I had no idea why I was there. I personally do not believe that therapists did/would do me any good then/ or now. I prefer to figure things out on my own, and with the countless amounts of effects that everything in the world has on you, every person is different. Therefore, a therapist, I believe, would have a hard trouble understanding EXACTLY what you need and/or are feeling. I know that some people feel that they help, and I may be in the minority when I say that I do not find therapists for divorce very helpful. Again, I had no feelings of guilt or shame, as some people do when parents get divorced (kids blame themselves). What do other teens think about having to go to a therapist after their parents’ divorce?
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January 13, 2010
Eat, Pray, Love…then Marry
Kathy Ely
OK, I have to admit it. I was pretty annoyed at the whole Eat, Pray, Love phenomenon.
For those of you who missed it, Elizabeth Gilbert wrote a book back in 2006 about chucking her fabulous life in New York—bored with husband and all—and traveling the world in search of herself. Yes, yes, I would love to spend months in Italy eating my way through their amazing culture, not to mention the pastas and wine. I would be fascinated by the spiritual and intellectual practices of meditating for weeks at a time at an Indian ashram; perhaps I’d learn something amazing. And I know I would thrill at more than a vacation’s worth of days in such a laid-back place as Bali, even if I didn’t find the next love of my life. But the experience and her writing about it felt totally self-indulgent in a way that seemed, at the time, elitist, something only a well-heeled modernist could accomplish. (Of course, it could just mean that I would never have the guts to head out of my comfort zone, but that’s another column.)
But I do think I want to read her latest, a more thoughtful, if still personal, take on how she came to a second marriage. This is remarkable only because she became the patron saint for the strong single divorcee (that word isn’t used much anymore, but her independent, freedom-seeking spirit did define her), and after stating blatantly that she would never enter the state again, here she is, another married lady.
Her book, Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage, explores not only her reasons for taking the leap (more practical than romantic, in some ways), but also the diverse cultural approaches to the whole notion of marriage around the globe. Americans, it seems, have this fetish about marriage in ways that others do not, which is perhaps why we fail at it so often. She also talks about how much more she brings to this union at this stage of life that she couldn’t possibly have contributed to her first, as a rather silly, naive twenty-something. (Hear her interview with Diane Rehm on NPR for more food for thought.)
She gives us lots to think about…I’ll write more once I read it!
December 15, 2009
Teen View of Stepfamily Traditions
Ty
Traditions do not always have to be something that your family lineage has done since the dawn of man. But families DO like to have some sort of base to their traditions because in a way, it makes them feel like they are carrying on their own sort of personal history.
So here I go: “Step Family Tradition.” Starting new traditions can be tough, but think about it, try combining that with meshing families. You have to find something that everyone can relate to, that everyone can enjoy, something that will build a tighter and more complete blend of two groups. Take my family for example, every year, we all go skiiing together. Both of the families (one step family) love this sport, and we all share the same car, condo, etc. so bonding time is essentially non-negotiable. Take Christmas for example, every year we go out and kill a pine tree to celebrate the birth of Jesus (if that’s your forté of course). It might sound silly to put it that way, but the more humorous you can make situations, the smoother they tend to go. All in all, traditions can be started anytime, anywhere, by anyone. Don’t be afraid to be your very own step-family trend-starter.
December 14, 2009
Divorce & Remarriage: What Would Tolstoy Say?
Patricia Lasher
Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.
That is, of course, the opening to Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina. He wrote it in 1878, long before the divorce rate soared and family therapy became an industry.
What got me pondering this was an article by Jim Cunningham, reviewing the essay of a prominent family psychologist William Pinsof. Pinsof first points out that, from 1400 to 1800, the average marriage lasted about 20 years, most frequently ending with the death of a spouse. From 1900 to 2000, the average life span increased more than 25 years. But while mortality declined and life spans grew, the average duration of marriages did not increase proportionately. Divorce replaced death as the terminating event.
The author suggests, if half of marriages now end in divorce, isn’t it time to conclude that ‘statistically if not culturally, divorce is normal’?” No longer a failure, divorce is a realistic, frequently positive family option.
It’s time, Pinsof argues, for researchers and therapists to stop comparing children of divorce to children of marriages. ‘Children of divorce, if they are to be compared to anyone, should be compared to children in families with unhappy or deeply troubled marriages.’ Mental health professionals should help couples divorce, as well as help them try to hold on to their marriages. “It is the rare social scientist who would assert that deeply troubled families are better for child rearing than a two-home couple that can co-parent collaboratively and effectively.”
That’s the key: Whether in one home or two, can the parents work together to parent? Tolstoy would probably say the family who can is the happy family.
Note: A Michigan fellow of the AAML, Jim’s complete article, Marriage in the 21st Century, is at http://www.aaml-mich.org/files/AAML%20Website%20-%20Article.pdf .
A former family court associate judge in Houston, Texas, Patricia Lasher has specialized in family law for more than twenty years. She has written for numerous consumer magazines, and published a collection of profiles, Texas Women, Interviews and Images.
December 4, 2009
Stepfamily, Extended Family, Family Thanksgivings
Ty
Although my parents are divorced, I consider myself very lucky by the fact that I get at least two of each holiday. And what holiday to have two of is better than Thanksgiving? (other than Christmas of course.) This year, my stepbrother came home from college, and my two stepsisters, and step brother-in-law (yes, that’s right) as well. We had a very good time, with the two different families being brought together again. My brother and I went to our dad’s house the previous day and had a Thanksgiving dinner then as well. Furthermore, the day after Thanksgiving we all went to my grandmother’s house to have ANOTHER Thanksgiving dinner with all of the aunts, uncles, and cousins. Holidays for this blended family are fun and never boring!
December 2, 2009
When Did ‘Step’ Become a Four Letter Word?
Patricia Lasher
It just struck me as laughable. On a website I was reading, someone wrote that she wanted her husband to be called a Bonus Dad, rather than a stepfather. Turns out she hated the term ‘stepfather’ along with all the step variations. Why, I wondered, do so many of us stumble over the word step when it comes to family relations?
Could it be the lingering effect of the Fairy Tales of the Brothers Grimm? After all, Cinderella battled her wicked stepmother and evil stepsisters to get her Prince; Sleeping Beauty’s malevolent stepmother tried to kill her with a poisoned apple; Gretel saved Hansel after their horrid stepmother drove them to run away. Does stepchild sound too, well, Grimm?
Could be the word itself. Apparently step may have been derived from astieped – meaning bereaved – and came into use in the blended family through Latin/Old English in the 8th century. A bereaved child who lost a parent and whose surviving parent remarried was labeled a stepbairn, and eventually, stepchild. And it’s been said that every step family begins with a loss of some kind.
Could be phonics. Is there anything delightful that starts with the st sound? Stupid, stubborn, stop, strike? Maybe strudel, but it’s not my dessert of choice.
My Italian dictionary lists three separate and distinct words for mother (la madre), mother-in-law (la suocera) and stepmother (la matrigna). That’s probably a good idea. Each has a distinct identity. It could be that adding “step” to mother, father, or child feels like an appropriation of the turf of the birth parent.
The French have a way with language, and when it comes to blending a famille, they win. Le beau fils translates as good son, or handsome son, and means stepson and son-in-law. Belle-mere translates literally as pretty mother. And the same word means both stepmother and mother-in-law.
I’ll step up and say it: Belle-mere sure sounds better than Bonus Mom.
A former family court associate judge in Houston, Texas, Patricia Lasher has specialized in family law for more than 20 years. She has written for numerous consumer magazines and has published a collection of profiles, Texas Women: Interviews and Images.
November 19, 2009
A Movie Throws a Curve
Kathy Ely
The fear on his face was palpable as only a ten-year-old’s can be. “My stepdad’s gonna KILL me!”
Now, we know that if any young boy stole away with his father’s prize possession, in this case a baseball signed by Babe Ruth, he would be in deep trouble. And yet, there was another layer of terror on this innocent child’s face. Imbedded there was evidence of the years of pain at losing a dad, trying with all his might to re-create that relationship with a relative stranger, then perhaps blowing it all with a bonehead move.
If you haven’t seen The Sandlot, you haven’t discovered the joys of this equal-opportunity tearjerker for girls and guys, moms and dads, daughters and sons. I watch part of it whenever I come across it, which is often, on various cable channels. I only have a daughter, so the vagaries of young boys trading insults worthy of an American Pie movie AND sharing emotions straight out of Jane Austen is newfound joy—and pure entertainment. And there’s the booming presence of James Earl Jones to boot.
But the bittersweet, very special note that is struck here has all to do with the narrator’s backstory, that stepson doing all he can to bond with his new and somewhat distant stepdad. And I have to admit, when they finally have that seemingly mundane moment, playing catch in the backyard, it’s all I can do to hold back a sob.
Funny thing is, so was my husband.
November 19, 2009
Omens for Blended Families
Patricia Lasher
A fourth Friday the Thirteenth this year got me thinking about them. Omens. Signs. Bad luck curses. Given the opportunity, most of us will walk around a ladder, rather than under it. When one of the neighborhood black cats (which a well-meaning lady is annoying the block by feeding) crosses the street in front of my car, I notice. I have a friend who goes ballistic if you lay a hat on the bed. My own mother won’t give a wallet or purse as a gift without a penny in it; same goes for a gift of knives. Smart as we are, superstitions abound.
So, are there special omens, signs of trouble for the blended family? I can think of a few. When a child goes on vacation with Dad and brings along a telephone that Mom insists the kid calls her from three or four times a day, that’s a bad sign. When Dad insists that he have the children for HIS birthday dinner, even during the child’s exams in midweek, that’s a bad sign. When a parent repeatedly forgets to add the special homework assignment due Monday to the child’s overnight bag, that’s a bad sign. When Dad insists that the child call her new stepmother mom, you can bet there will be trouble ahead.
Come to think of it, if, at mediation, a parent insists that he or she must have the children for the Friday the Thirteenth holiday, that’s a bad omen!
A former family court associate judge in Houston, Texas, Patricia Lasher has specialized in family law for more than 20 years. She has written for numerous consumer magazines and has published a collection of profiles, Texas Women: Interviews and Images.
November 9, 2009
Wedding Blues
Patricia Lasher
Two girlfriends chatted next to me at a cozy restaurant last week. They hadn’t seen each other in a while, but it didn’t take long before they learned each was planning a daughter’s wedding. One was a home affair with caterer, a band, and flowers from a shop famous for extravagant displays. The other was scheduling a destination wedding. Except for seeking the right perfect mother-of-the bride dress, it appeared they had few common challenges.
Then one mentioned that her future son-in-law’s parents had been divorced when he was five. Now both of his parents have remarried and had additional children. One set of grandparents had also divorced and remarried. “Can you imagine? Two full sets of parents, six grandparents, and who knows how many aunts and uncles and siblings! We’ll have four tables of just his immediate family.”
“Same problem!” exclaimed her friend. “By the time his family comes down the aisle, the candles will be out!” They were puzzling over the dynamics of handling all the groom’s family when my tardy friend appeared.
Looking over the menu, I pondered their future: Should the in-laws open the discussion of seating and processional? Would that be seen as interfering? Is this how wedding planners earn their stripes? Or is this where the daughters take over, since this will be a preview of the complexities of shared holidays in the future?
I looked on the menu for Italian Wedding soup. No such luck.
November 3, 2009
Not Letter Perfect
Kathy Ely
Alright, I admit it, I watch “Wheel of Fortune.” I could blame it on my in-laws, who religiously sit down each night at 7 p.m. to spin their intellects around words and phrases and before and afters. I even took them to see a live taping of the show when it showed up at D.C.’s Constitution Hall. Ironies aside, it was fun to see the whole operation up close, especially how thin Vanna was in person, and find out that she knits between shows. It was reassuring, somehow, to realize that even quip-savvy Pat Sajak has to do a retake once in a while.
I think there was another retake that should have been done on this particular evening. I’m sitting on the couch, doing my best to guess the latest puzzle, when the night’s contestants are introduced. First up is a lovely lady from Houston, in fact, Miss Houston Mom International (or some such beauty queen moniker that I didn’t quite catch). She was perky and smart, and then she told us about her home, with “my two kids and three stepkids….” Don’t think I heard the rest—it was the truth, but it just struck me as somewhat harsh to mention in front of millions of people across the country.
Could she have rephrased somehow: “My husband and I now have five wonderful kids,” “We combined our families with five children between us”? I’ve never had to walk this fine line, but somehow I saw the “step”kids at home, watching, and feeling like second class citizens. Was there tension in their home? Could this have been a chance to ease it, or did this public pronouncement just make it worse? Was I being too sensitive?
It is only a game, this wheel thing, but in the game of life, I think you’d better watch your Ps and Qs a bit more carefully.
