by Laura Cannon

Would you be surprised to learn that planning a wedding takes an average of 250 hours? What’s even more shocking is that, for all those hours logged, not one is dedicated to mapping out a future together.

When it comes to remarried couples, the time invested in planning your new married life is even more important. Although the national divorce rate for first marriages is around 40 percent, for couples heading down the aisle for the second time, that rate is much higher.

Consciously Address Lingering Issues

Sit down together and think about what has brought you to the moment you are in now. This is the getting-conscious part — just becoming consciously aware of unresolved issues or concerns is the first step toward creating something different. For many of us, it is easier to say what we don’t want than what we do want. That’s a great place to start. Begin by asking yourself some questions:

• What issues were concerns for me in my previous relationships that I don’t want to be of concern any longer?
• What is most important to me this time around?
• What things do I really want to see happen in my new relationship and family?
• How am I going to make it happen?

Recently, while coaching “Anne,” a bride-to-be, I asked her what major issues she had in her first marriage that she feared might reoccur the second time around. “My ex-husband frequently made major life decisions without consulting me,” Anne replied. “I felt that my opinion didn’t matter and that we were frequently on different pages. I am afraid the same thing might happen again.”

Unfortunately just saying, “I don’t want [Name] in my life anymore” will not actually create something new. You have to continue on to the second step: Become intentional about what you do want. In Anne’s case, she wanted to feel that her partner was really her partner. She wanted to know that they would make decisions together as a team and that he would value her input. Together they went through this questioning process until they came up with a decent sized list of goals they had for their marriage and the creation of their new blended family.

Goal setting, particularly goals that have strong intention and emotion behind them, are not just valuable in business but in the creation of new marriages and blended families. According to Edwin Locke, author of Goal Setting: A Motivational Technique That Works!, 90 percent of more than 110 studies on goal setting showed positive results using this approach. The key to effective goal setting is to make your objectives SMART ones. specific, meaningful, attainable, realistic, and trackable. For Anne, her SMART goal was this: “My husband and I work as a team to make all major decisions. We provide equal input into family decisions, and on the third Sunday of each month, we have a ’state of the team’ meeting to check in with each other about how things are going.”

Empower Your Remarriage Using a Manifesto

I encouraged Anne and her fiancé to bring the power of creating goals to their marriage by creating a Remarriage Manifesto. Through this manifesto, a couple — side by side — takes their list of goals and declares a set of intentions for their married life together. For those also blending families, preparing the manifesto can be an activity for all members. Get the kids’ input as to what they want their new family to be. Children often come up with great suggestions, such as Pizza Fridays or Make-Your-Own-Dinner Night. One family established Team Night, where members take turns choosing a fun activity everyone to enjoy as a new “team.”

You can help ensure your Remarriage Manifesto is successful by following these tips:

• Choose a team name. With all the name confusion that comes with remarrying and blending, choose an original name that represents your new team. It can be something silly, a color, or anything that fits for all of you. When there is dissension among the ranks, draw on this team name by just calling out a quick, “Hey, Team Green!” You’ll be reminding everyone to come out of their own corner and regroup as a family.
• Create your foundation. Set aside time with your partner to discuss what you both feel are the foundational elements of your marriage and family. You may create intentions for a moral or spiritual base, communication rules, financial decision making, lifestyle, and parenting methods. You will use these elements — the pillars for your new team — as headings in your manifesto to help guide the rest of the Remarriage Manifesto process.
• Get everyone on board. Have a team meeting with the entire family to talk about what your foundational pillars are. Ask members what they want for the family. Children may offer suggestions on educational goals, recreational activities, hobbies, and use of family time. Parents may help their children feel involved in various activities, such as the planning of family vacations. For example, they might give the kids a list of three destination options. The children, as a team, decide which option they would choose, and why, and then present their choice to their parents.
• Honor your manifesto. You’d be hard pressed to find a couple who doesn’t have a prominently placed keepsake album commemorating their wedding day. Make your manifesto just as special: Type it up and keep it in a place where you and your family can revisit it often. Realize that your goals may change, and that is okay. Your Remarriage Manifesto is a living document open to reevaluation. Anniversaries and New Year’s celebrations provide excellent opportunities to revisit and revamp your intentions.

Whether your team has 2 members or 10, creating a Remarriage Manifesto is not only fun, but will increase your likelihood of happily ever after!

Laura Cannon is a nondenominational ordained minister and couples coach in Ellicott City, Maryland. She is currently working on Creationships, a book designed to assist couples in using their marriage as a tool for growth and transformation. You can learn more about Laura’s services and read her blog at www.divinetransformation.com .

I immediately grabbed the phone (my daughter was at her friend’s house), and called my ex.  I first made light conversation about the meal selections, debating whether I was even going to go there!  However, I thought of my daughter and blatently asked him “Whose brilliant idea was it to get married on her birthday?”   Noting, they are getting married on March 12 at the JP’s office with their 7 month old twins (my girls’ half-sisters), and her parents; my daughters are not invited to the private wedding ceremony and I had to explain that to them.  He gave a million excuses, blah, blah, and I told him “hey, whatever, but it seems really insensitive to me, and absolutely wrong, but I understand that you have your logic, so whatever.”

Is this practice of getting married (wedding is in two months, JP office open most days) on my daughter’s birthday acceptable?  And, is it common practice to exclude the groom’s 10 and 11 years olds from the private ceremony?  My oldest daughter is a daddy’s girl, and just loved his fiancee, and she is really hurting because of this.  She doesn’t openly display this, but when she and I were alone, I told her that I found out (she wouldn’t tell me) about the birthday/wedding bullcrap.  I asked her if she was okay with that, and she is not.  She is wondering why they did that, and I don’t know what to say.  I just told her that when she has feelings like this, and if she hurting, that if I can’t help her myself, that I would get her counseling or she can call on my sister, or people close to her when she is feeling sad.

While speaking with my ex (very brief conversation), he said that he can’t believe that I even commented on his wedding date.  I left him nine years ago, for no other reason than we were very incompatible and I couldn’t stand him -  noting this because this could come off as jealousy.  I am just concerned for my daughter, and wonder if this issue is one in which I can say that it is totally inappropriate for this to occur on her birthday and  not look like an idiot.  I just can’t believe that this would be happening.  And now, my daughter said that his fiancee knew her actual birthdate, so it’s hard not to wonder if the fiancee didn’t plan this to hurt my daughter.

Please get back to me as soon as possible.  My daughter is not one to share her feelings, but she asked me to take the long way home last night when I spoke to her about this issue.  Tears filled her eyes, and I just told her that if the date is not changed, that life will have to go on, but somehow she will be stronger by getting through it, and every step of the way, she can let me know what she needs, or if she needs to talk to someone, or see a counselor for tools to deal with this.  I just think that people are just brushing this off as oh well, what’s the big deal–she’s eleven, and now has seen the other part of her life, at her dad’s, turn into a hurting situation.  She loves going there, and now I just see this wave of sadness when she thinks of her dad. She does not know how to handle the confusion, and the questions she has, well, I really feel that he should deal with them.

Also, one more question.  If this is totally unacceptable, would it be absurd of me to insist on another date and that they be included in the private ceremony?  Would it be distasteful for me to say that if they are not included in the private family wedding ceremony, then I am not sending them to the reception either?  I will not let my girls be thrown to the wolves.  So what rights am I entitled to as far as even speaking about their wedding?

Chuck and Jae reply:  Let’s start with your final question. Yes, it would not be a good idea for you to insist on another wedding date and that your daughters be included in the private ceremony. Moreover, you would be doing your daughters a great disservice, as well as causing potentially serious damage to their relationship with their father and his fiancee, by not allowing them to attend the wedding reception. We assure you, letting them attend will not be “throwing them to the wolves.”  It’s not about your “rights,” or “entitlement” -  it’s more about what would be best for your daughters.

You didn’t mention what his reasoning was for choosing that particular date or why he chose not to invite the girls to the private ceremony. If you were not satisfied with his explanations, we would recommend the next step be that you encourage your daughters to take up both subjects with him. The main objective would be for them to let him know that they are having some feelings about his decision. Then they should be prepared to accept his response. We don’t believe that this situation, however disappointing to you and to your daughters, merits the kind of response you are suggesting.

Your letter indicates that your daughters have a very good relationship with their father’s fiancee; therefore, we can’t imagine the fiancee deliberately trying to hurt your oldest daughter in this fashion.  On the other hand, it is important for the future of their relationship, as the girls go through the critical adolescent years, that this ceremony not be marred by a major conflict if it can be avoided.  We believe it is very important for divorced parents not to be disparaging of each other to their children. This confuses them and puts them in loyalty binds. Under normal conditions (unless the situation is particularly egregious, such as abuse, etc.), we think it best that the children be encouraged to express their feelings directly to their parent. This would be much more effective and will minimize the appearance of the other parent using the children as a pretext for expressing his or her own agenda.

Your desire to protect your daughters from harm is praiseworthy. You must be careful, however, not to inadvertently deny them opportunities to learn to speak up for themselves and to directly influence the satisfaction of their needs.

Forgive us if we have misinterpreted the tone of your letter, but it suggests to us that you have a lot of anger toward your ex-spouse. For your sake, as well as your daughters, we recommend you take a look at that anger and try to find a way to resolve that.

For those of you who missed it, Elizabeth Gilbert wrote a book back in 2006 about chucking her fabulous life in New York—bored with husband and all—and traveling the world in search of herself. Yes, yes, I would love to spend months in Italy eating my way through their amazing culture, not to mention the pastas and wine. I would be fascinated by the spiritual and intellectual practices of meditating for weeks at a time at an Indian ashram; perhaps I’d learn something amazing. And I know I would thrill at more than a vacation’s worth of days in such a laid-back place as Bali, even if I didn’t find the next love of my life. But the experience and her writing about it felt totally self-indulgent in a way that seemed, at the time, elitist, something only a well-heeled modernist could accomplish. (Of course, it could just mean that I would never have the guts to head out of my comfort zone, but that’s another column.)

But I do think I want to read her latest, a more thoughtful, if still personal, take on how she came to a second marriage. This is remarkable only because she became the patron saint for the strong single divorcee (that word isn’t used much anymore, but her independent, freedom-seeking spirit did define her), and after stating blatantly that she would never enter the state again, here she is, another married lady.

Her  book, Committed:  A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage, explores not only her reasons for taking the leap (more practical than romantic, in some ways), but also the diverse cultural approaches to the whole notion of marriage around the globe. Americans, it seems, have this fetish about marriage in ways that others do not, which is perhaps why we fail at it so often. She also talks about how much more she brings to this union at this stage of life that she couldn’t possibly have contributed to her first, as a rather silly, naive twenty-something. (Hear her interview with Diane Rehm on NPR for more food for thought.)

She gives us lots to think about…I’ll write more once I read it!

by Elizabeth Einstein

Shortly after the long-needled spruce went up in the family room, the trouble began. The holiday tree was anchored in its stand, but stood bare for several days. Opinions on decorating styles, it seemed, were anchored as well, along traditional family lines. As the arguments swirled over tree decorations, they spilled over into what was the perfect time to open gifts: Christmas Eve or Christmas morning?

What a start to this stepfamily’s first Christmas together! Robert and Liz had married in late fall, and now, just weeks after settling into a new house, the holidays were upon them. He was widowed with four children under 12; she was divorced with two teenage daughters. Although everyone seemed excited about the new family they were building, the stress created from so many changes was mounting.

Now they were staring straight at their differences, about how holidays were to be celebrated — and especially how a decorated tree was supposed to look.

In a Solomon-like moment, the family decided to divide the tree into two sections, with each group doing their “traditional” things.

That first stepfamily holiday decision became a family legend that still elicits laughter every time they tell it. Over the years, as they began to feel more like a family, all the members made a commitment to compromise. Rather than a his and hers concoction, this stepfamily created their first ours tree — complete with all the sentimental items and new acquisitions.

Because Robert’s older two children remained tied to stringing popcorn and cranberries and his younger ones insisted on making colorful paper chains as they always had, those old-fashioned decorations festooned their side, Liz and her daughters wouldn’t hear of not using the beautiful ornaments they had collected from their travels. Each shiny globe evoked happy memories for them. And a new tradition emerged: selecting that one special ornament during a family vacation. Because the children had to negotiate which one to buy, their compromises reflected forward steps on their stepfamily journey.

Skirting Holiday Landmines

Memories and traditions are important to all families, but when holidays arrive, remarried families start with several strikes against them. Roots are fragile. Happy memories are fading. Stepfamily members share no common history. Individual traditions may differ vastly and people cling to them for what they represent; giving them up feels like yet another loss. The most important thing is to meet them head on. Acknowledge up front that things are going to be different.

Robert and Liz’s tale is repeated in remarried families everywhere; only the scenarios differ. Add a multi-ethnic remarriage and the learning curve grows. Aunt Nina always expects to have the first night of Hanukkah. Are the stockings hung or laid on the hearth? Where will the Kwanzaa celebration happen? Will Mom let us borrow the unity up (Kikombe cha Umoja) or should we get a new one? Whether adopting a new appreciation for the traditional African celebration of values or celebrating a totally new holiday, each scenario asks the question: What will our new stepfamily values be?

• The holiday itself. Christmas or Hanukkah? Kwanzaa or Christmas? Both?
• The Christmas tree. Live or artificial? Cut down, buy one to plant after the holiday, or return to a favorite corner stand?
• Decorations. New modern menorah or family heirloom? Handmade tablecloth from your grandmom or mine?
• Dress. Dressy or casual?
• Food. “What do you mean we’re having turkey? My mom always makes ham decorated with cherries!”
• Gift and gift-giving. One special expensive item or many smaller gifts? Give to each other or to charity? When do presents get opened? Robert’s younger children always awoke to presents in the morning after Santa’s delivery; Liz’s daughters liked a Christmas Eve ritual so they could sleep in late. Their compromise was opening packages that the mail carrier had delivered in the evening, with Santa’s and the rest on Christmas morning.

Solutions and compromises are there, but working out differences takes advance planning and time. Waiting to open boxes of “his” and “hers” ornaments until it’s time to trim the tree is courting trouble.

Long before the holidays arrive, begin talking about how things were done in former families — and why. “We always used that menorah because it once belonged to our great grandmother in Germany.” Perhaps the decision to get the dreaded artificial tree makes sense when the other side understands it as a green statement — “to save real trees.” Discussions about the emotions behind a tradition can start family members thinking about creative compromises. Sharing traditions, including the ones that still hold warm memories, motivates family members to become more sensitive to each others’ ways and needs. There is no “right” or “wrong,” just raw emotions and long-held beliefs. When it comes to traditions, judging the other way as “wrong” only hurts feelings and hinders stepfamily bonding.

It’s surprising to realize that traditions sometimes are repeated when, in reality, they lost their significance long ago. It might not be so bad to start some new ones.

Visitation Revisited

Pressures are never higher than when discussing who gets the kids during the key holiday moments, whether it’s the annual seder or the Easter Egg hunt. And nowhere does communication become more critical than when clarifying visitation schedules during these supposedly “happy” times.

The already complex family situation is multiplied with remarriage, with stepdads and ex-wives and multiple grandparents all wanting a piece of the action. Imagine this difficult scenario for young children. After sharing Christmas Eve with their mother, Fred awakens his children early because he’s booked them into five 2-hour visits: breakfast at Grandma Helen’s, snack and gifts at Aunt Betty’s, Christmas dinner at Grandma and Grandpa Ellstrom’s house, late afternoon with Fred’s mom before going to supper at Aunt Sarah’s. Is it any surprise that the children are cranky and tired before they even get to the last grandma’s house? By that point, they don’t even care about more presents and have no idea who gave them what loot. They whine and want to go home. All that chaos and they haven’t even had their own stepfamily celebration yet!

Because holidays are emotionally charged, too often what is meant to be a joyful time becomes more terrible than terrific. A better stress-reducing solution would be to plan several celebrations so everyone can truly enjoy each special time. Because December 25 is merely a calendar date, stretching out the festivities can make them more meaningful to everyone.

Although children of divorce deal with many challenges, they aren’t unhappy about all the extra holiday dinners, presents, and attention they get from their new extended family, say researchers. According to the University of Pennsylvania’s Professor Frank F. Furstenberg, Jr., who studied the effects of the extended family on the stepfamily, the key is how well adults handle the situation. Resolving differences with their former spouses and refusing to use the children to settle differences mirror what’s possible in stepfamily living.

Sure, you might have to cook an additional turkey or take another day off, but keeping schedules simple is the secret to a successful holiday.

Looking for Enriching Times

As youngsters travel great distances to be with their other parent, holiday success rests with the adults in both households.

At one end, the children need to be prepared. Acknowledge their feelings and let them know you feel good that they can be with their other parent. Keep any sadness you feel to yourself.

The receiving parent needs to help the children feel comfortable with the transition during this sensitive time. Remember that some children — especially teenagers — would rather be with familiar friends and surroundings. Get them involved in the new experience; avoid treating the kids who don’t live with you year-round as guests. “Hey, Alex, your dad tells me you make great popcorn balls. Would you do that for us while you’re here?” Giving them small responsibilities can make them feel a part of creating the holiday, too — and more a part of your household.

Holidays can be an enriching time for children of remarriage. As youths move between two families, and many travel to new places, stepchildren may meet new people and gain new experiences. Teenager Jenifer says she likes going to her dad’s place in St. John’s the day after Christmas with her dad and stepmother. “It’s cool because one day I am out cross-country skiing with my brothers in New York and the next afternoon I’m out sailing with my dad in the Virgin Islands.” Like Jenifer, who adapted to not being with her mother the entire Christmas week, children can learn to become more adaptable and flexible.

More role models from a greater extended family offer new beliefs, attitudes, and skills. Jenifer’s father recalls how his own creative father loved to paint but couldn’t nail a bird house together. His stepfather’s hobby involved sailing and woodworking. “Learning all that from him led me to become a carpenter and to living on a sailboat. It’s great to have a spare dad,” he says.

For most of us, the holidays are a time of expectations. Unmet ones account for much of the disappointment, sadness, and postholiday depression that people in all families experience. An emphasis on planning ahead and creating realistic holiday expectations will prepare remarried families to receive the gifts the holidays offer. When hopes and dreams are balanced with reality, a joyful exchange of sharing old traditions while making new ones can provide a festive foundation for the stepfamily’s future. And it just might skirt some of those holiday landmines.

Elizabeth Einstein, LMFT, is a nationally known marriage and family therapist. An award-winning author and coauthor of a new teach-out-of the box program, Active Parenting for Stepfamilies, she trains professionals to work more effectively with stepfamilies. She lives in Ithaca, New York.

So here I go: “Step Family Tradition.”   Starting new traditions can be tough, but think about it, try combining that with meshing families.  You have to find something that everyone can relate to, that everyone can enjoy, something that will build a tighter and more complete blend of two groups.  Take my family for example, every year, we all go skiiing together.  Both of the families (one step family) love this sport, and we all share the same car, condo, etc. so bonding time is essentially non-negotiable.  Take Christmas for example, every year we go out and kill a pine tree to celebrate the birth of Jesus (if that’s your forté of course).  It might sound silly to put it that way, but the more humorous you can make situations, the smoother they tend to go.  All in all, traditions can be started anytime, anywhere, by anyone.  Don’t be afraid to be your very own step-family trend-starter.

That is, of course, the opening to Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina.  He wrote it in 1878, long before the divorce rate soared and family therapy became an industry.

What got me pondering this was an article by Jim Cunningham, reviewing the essay of a prominent family psychologist William Pinsof.  Pinsof first points out that, from 1400 to 1800, the average marriage lasted about 20 years, most frequently ending with the death of a spouse.  From 1900 to 2000, the average life span increased more than 25 years.  But while mortality declined and life spans grew, the average duration of marriages did not increase proportionately.  Divorce replaced death as the terminating event.

The author suggests, if half of marriages now end in divorce, isn’t it time to conclude that ‘statistically if not culturally, divorce is normal’?”  No longer a failure, divorce is a realistic, frequently positive family option.

It’s time, Pinsof argues, for researchers and therapists to stop comparing children of divorce to children of marriages.  ‘Children of divorce, if they are to be compared to anyone, should be compared to children in families with unhappy or deeply troubled marriages.’   Mental health professionals should help couples divorce, as well as help them try to hold on to their marriages.  “It is the rare social scientist who would assert that deeply troubled families are better for child rearing than a two-home couple that can co-parent collaboratively and effectively.”

That’s the key:  Whether in one home or two, can the parents work together to parent?  Tolstoy would probably say the family who can is the happy family.

Note:  A Michigan fellow of the AAML, Jim’s complete article, Marriage in the 21^st Century, is at http://www.aaml-mich.org/files/AAML%20Website%20-%20Article.pdf  .

A former family court associate judge in Houston, Texas, Patricia Lasher has specialized in family law for more than twenty years.  She has written for numerous consumer magazines, and published a collection of profiles, Texas Women, Interviews and Images.

The issue is my husband has turned cold to my children.  He has just told me he isn’t happy and doesn’t want to come home to us and that my children fight too much.  If they make any kind of noise or have a disagreement, my husband gets mad and doesn’t want to be around them (or me).   When I asked him why he has seemed so happy until now, he said it is because we haven’t been home that much since the wedding (we travel with our job together).  I don’t disagree that my children have issues; their actual father is a piece of work and has caused a huge amount of problems that they are scared from.  My husband recognizes this, but now he acts like he doesn’t care about any of us.  No matter what I do with my children to make things better, (I have them in counseling, I keep them away from him at night if he comes home before they are in bed; I try to do anything to make things better), he resents the fact that they exist and all they want is to love and hug on him and he cringes.  All he will say is “if it works out, it will work out.”  I told him divorce is not an option and he just looks at me.  It is like he enjoys hurting us and we do nothing but love him. 

He battles depression, and I told him his ‘pattern’ has started and he needs to go to his doctor and have his meds adjusted to which i get the response, “I am fine.”  I don’t know what to do.  My children love him so much and he for some reason wishes they didn’t exist.  However, the last five months he has been happy with them, takes my son with him all the time and watches tv with my daughter.  Then one day it all turns to cold hate.   Please help.

Chuck and Jae reply:  We are truly saddened by the difficulties you and your children are experiencing with your husband.  It must be very confusing and frustrating for you.

Based on what you have shared in your email, we believe the issue is primarily your husband’s depression.  His irritability, inconsistency, bouts of isolation and periodic withdrawal from your children are symptomatic of untreated depression.  Your suggestion that he see his doctor about this is on target.  If he continues to go untreated, his condition will probably worsen.  The impact on you and your children will intensify as well.

Since he denies he is having a problem, it’s unlikely he will seek help on his own.  Therefore, we recommend you discuss the situation with a family therapist to consider options for persuading him to have his depression treated.  One option that comes to mind is an “intervention” conducted in the therapist’s office with you, your children and your husband present.  In this session, you and your children would let your husband/their stepfather know how much you love him and how concerned you are about his emotional health, provide some examples of his negative behaviors and how they have impacted you, and, finally, tell him how important it is to all of you for him get help.

If he firmly refuses to treat his depression, you will want to consider the potential seriousness of the impact of his behavior on the emotional health of you and your children. Then you will do what is best and safest for all of you.

Could it be the lingering effect of the Fairy Tales of the Brothers Grimm?  After all, Cinderella battled her wicked stepmother and evil stepsisters to get her Prince; Sleeping Beauty’s malevolent stepmother tried to kill her with a poisoned apple; Gretel saved Hansel after their horrid stepmother drove them to run away.  Does stepchild sound too, well, Grimm?

Could be the word itself.  Apparently step may have been derived from astieped – meaning bereaved – and came into use in the blended family through Latin/Old English in the 8th century.  A bereaved child who lost a parent and whose surviving parent remarried was labeled a stepbairn, and eventually, stepchild.  And it’s been said that every step family begins with a loss of some kind. 

Could be phonics.  Is there anything delightful that starts with the st sound?  Stupid, stubborn, stop, strike?  Maybe strudel, but it’s not my dessert of choice. 

My Italian dictionary lists three separate and distinct words for mother (la madre), mother-in-law (la suocera) and stepmother (la matrigna). That’s probably a good idea.  Each has a distinct identity.  It could be that adding “step” to mother, father, or child feels like an appropriation of the turf of the birth parent. 

The French have a way with language, and when it comes to blending a famille, they win.   Le beau fils translates as good son, or handsome son, and means stepson and son-in-law. Belle-mere  translates literally as pretty mother.  And the same word means both stepmother and mother-in-law. 

I’ll step up and say it:  Belle-mere sure sounds better than Bonus Mom.

A former family court associate judge in Houston, Texas, Patricia Lasher has specialized in family law for more than 20 years. She has written for numerous consumer magazines and has published a collection of profiles, Texas Women: Interviews and Images.