Chuck and Jae reply:  One of the “traps” that step-parents often fall into is the notion that they will be a “great” parent to their spouse’s children.  Such an expectation is usually not very realistic.  Relationships in blended families involve a highly complex mix of emotions and experiences and cannot be forced.  A more achievable goal would be to be a “good enough” parent, allowing the relationships to evolve in their own way, in their own time.

That said, it sounds like your husband and his ex-wife may be placing obstacles in the way of your achieving even “good enough” status.  Also, his ex- may have perceived your efforts toward family closeness as threatening to her role as her children’s mother.

In any case, it seems the situation has reached the point where you could benefit from family therapy.  In view of your husband’s resistance to counseling up to now, you may want to see a therapist on your own and try to work out a strategy to engage the rest of the family.  At a minimum, it could help you find ways to deal more effectively with your situation.

We smiled even broader when we walked in to see the little bundle of joy perched so comfortably on the lap of his BIG sister, all twenty some pounds of her two-year-old self. “My baby,” Marissa cooed. “This is my brother.” And then, with all the cuteness she could muster, “But who is it?”

Funny you should ask. Now, even twenty-four-hours later, we were still all asking the same thing. It seems that nine months is not quite enough time to come up with the perfect moniker-something with a hint of sophistication, has to roll off the tongue. Needs to fit with the single syllable last name, one with the potential for teasing if not paired with just the right beginning. Oh, and the parents couldn’t know anyone with the name, worried that he would be washed with the personality of another.

Kathy's New Nephew

“Wyatt?” Don Imus’s son…cute, but no. “Dylan?” Nona vetoes that.  So many get thrown over-Matt, Josh, Adam, Nate, Sam, Zack, Iggy (OK, we were reaching).

I had my own veto when they came up with Andrew (a perfectly fine name, mind you). But with names you get nicknames, and if it were Drew, there I’d be, every time we got together, being reminded of my ex-husband. Luckily, they didn’t love it. We took our pictures and fought for the right to snuggle with the tiny boy. Then we left the new parents to their laptop, trying on name combinations only they could fathom.

Summer is upon us, with birthday parties and beach weeks coming up fast. I can’t wait for Mikel Tyler to join in the fun.  And I’m so happy I know nobody by that name.

The litigation involved a child who had been the first- and only- born of a young marriage.  Years earlier, the Husband and Wife had readily split up cars, big screen televisions, timeshares (these were more prosperous times) and bank accounts.  Agreeing to a house sale, each received enough sufficient down payments for more modest homes. (Definitely, more prosperous times.) 

Often the case, the very young child, who was top priority, had been the last, most difficult ‘item’ to be decided.  After spending the equivalent of an Ivy League college’s tuition on psychologists and private eyes, the parents finally agreed in mediation.  A detailed parenting plan put the child at Mom’s for a majority of the school year and at Dad’s for most of the summer, with lots of back and forth throughout the year.

Years later, when I met with the child - John - by then a teenager, each of his parents had remarried.  His mother had two additional biological children and his father had three.   The litigation concerning John involved summer vacation and a Sunday overnight. 

So - back to the ham sandwich  - I asked John to describe his life during the week and weekends.  He first talked of soccer successes and trouble with Algebra, shying from anything too personal.  But as cold sodas and my drawer of Snicker Bars loosened his tongue, he articulated a common complaint:  You’ve ordered a ham sandwich? He asked.  Yes, of course, I answered. If it comes with a pickle, do you eat it? He asked.  Of course.  If it comes without the pickle, do you complain? No, I answered. Well, I’m the pickle.  At both houses, if I’m there; fine; if I’m not, fine. Life goes on with or without me.  The child, who had begun as the main course, believed himself - right or wrongly - to be a dispensable side dish.

Who knows what the long-term effect of this is?  Unless we’ve been a flight attendant or a commercial pilot or the child of divorce, we haven’t lived the vagaries that come with sleeping three nights here, two nights there, often out of a suitcase, back and forth at someone else’s schedule for years on end. 

How to make a child feel integral, without making him feel as if he’s abandoning his family when he leaves for the other is a challenge for parents.  Permanent possessions and places to keep things in each home?  Permitting easy flow from house to house? Access to items needed, but left at the other home.   The right to say No and to demand occasional schedule changes.

It’s a real pickle.

With respect, a clear understanding of the rules, and a whole lotta love for the kids, ex-spouses are redefining family.

Some call it divorce; I call it the “Two-Family Solution.” Assuming your divorce was peaceful and you and your ex have basic respect for one another, there’s no reason not to revel in the benefits the Two-Family Solution can bring to you and your kids.

Benefit 1: You get a weekly, kid-free vacation!

How many of your mom and dad friends would kill for just one night off a week? Sometimes, heartless as it may sound, I find myself gloating when I reflect on the weekly Tuesday night dates my new hubby and I share. It’s a ritual for us.

Truly, our date night can be a lifesaver, even when it’s days away.

Don’t get me wrong - I miss my girls when they’re gone. But those moments when it’s just me and my thoughts - or my man - are the real benefit of those kid-free days.

Benefit 2: You get to teach your kids that more than one set of rules may apply.

The world is a wide, wild, and varied place with sometimes complexly convoluted rules.

Ideally, you and your ex will have agreed on basic ground rules about school conduct, drugs, alcohol, and dating, and what discipline measures are within bounds. My ex and I had to institute a “reporting” clause because our younger child was playing sides, and we had to show her we were still the boss(es).

It’s not your right, though, to tell your ex that he can’t feed the kids meat just because you’ve gone vegan. (That’s the kids’ negotiation to undertake.)

Despite your areas of agreement or disagreement, never badmouth the other parent’s rules! Besides, one of the kids is sure to come to the other parent’s defense and rebel against your rules in retaliation.

Benefit 3. Your kids get more of everything: parents, relatives, people saving money for their future, gifts on holidays, support, and love! (And, in the best-case scenario, so do you!)

I couldn’t afford a 2-week vacation to Maui at a five-star resort just after the ex and I split, but the kids got to go with their dad’s parents. It was perfect for them to be able to have such a memorable, relaxing vacation in the middle of what was an admittedly tough time.

And although fewer of us are able to save for college these days, some extended family members are starting rainy-day funds for some very loved and very lucky kids. In emergencies - financial or otherwise -it’s nice to know a crew at hand to bail you and yours out.

The Two-Family Solution can help minimize holiday struggles too. Through patience, dedication, and a basis of shared values, you and your ex may reach a point where, like me, you share family holidays. With each divorce and remarriage in my own huge family, we’ve only gotten stronger and more diverse, while enjoying the benefits - and, of course, the (mostly minor) irritations - that any family brings. In those moments of familial camaraderie as we sit around a holiday table graced with food, the benefits outweigh the exasperations by a long shot.

If you and your ex and your family get along, plus new spouses and their exes get along, and the new spouses’ families like the ex-spouses’ families and your family - that’s a lot of love! And a lot of support when you and the kids need it most.

This is the response of the postdivorce generation. As our children grow, marry - and perhaps divorce - and have children of their own, we will continue the new tradition of inclusion. And slowly, generation by generation, family will just be family; however we choose to build or define it.

LaSara Firefox, a coach, author, and educator, helps people find balance in their lives and alignment with their personal and family-held values. Media across the country have featured her latest project, Gratitude Games. See www.lasarafirefox.com .

As they walked away, it seemed there were three of them:  sulking Daughter, despondent Mom, and - like a ghost - unseen Dad. Shopping with a preteen can mean a battle.

Frankly put, simply living with a preteen can be a struggle. Add the stress of shared parenting, the agony-ecstasy of bidding farewell to a child for the summer, and the spiking costs of everything — the results can mean a roller coaster ride of emotion for everyone in the divided/blended/re-compounded family.

So why did this vignette linger in the mind’s eye?

Perhaps because it is a play I have seen before in family cases - one acted out annually by families across the country. Maybe Mom won’t mention Dad. But, if she does, perhaps Daughter won’t ask him about the boots. If she does, what will Dad’s response be? “Sure.” Or, “let’s try to find some second hand ones.” Or, “tell your mother to get them. With all the child support I send her, she can afford to buy a horse to go with them!”

With my rarely utilized fairy tale mindset — where rainbows have pots of gold and happy endings are fundamental truths — I pictured an alternative to the play. In my version, and well before summer began, Mom and Dad (out of earshot of Daughter) had a civil conversation, in person, or by telephone or e-mail. One of them had a list of needs for summer camp, summer school, vacation bible school - whatever was occupying the children for the summer months. Together they talked about what is a “need” versus a “want.” They touched - however gingerly - on what they could honestly afford. They came up with a plan.

And, in the following month, when Daughter said, “I want new riding boots,” Mom or Dad’s line was:  “WE will have to talk about that.”

For parents who do that:  Take a bow, and exit, stage right.

Chuck and Jae reply:  We suggest you try the following approach for starters.  Write a letter to your partner.  Tell him how much you love him and that you want to be part of a happy, healthy family with him and his children.  Say that you would very much like to work with him to meet that goal.

Let him know that, right now, you are feeling very sad about how things between the two of you have developed.  Add that you can imagine he may be feeling sad as well.  Consider, if at all possible, making arrangements for someone to take care of the children for a weekend or, at a minimum, one day, including an overnight stay.  Say that you would like to spend that time with him at a hotel or a bed and breakfast.  Tell him that you want to use that time to enjoy each other’s company and to discuss some ways in which you might be able to spend regular “couples time” with each other.  (In the early stages of our relationship,  we made a commitment to have an overnight stay alone together, once a month.  This helped us nurture our relationship during a period when we were very busy with our careers and involved with kids who were extremely active during the week and on most weekends.)

Before ending the letter, make a comment about some aspect of him that you really love and repeat your hope that the two of you will be able to work things out.  Invite him to respond to you by letter, if he wishes.

Writing letters to each other will give you both a chance to think things through and will greatly reduce the fear that characterizes your current lack of communication.  (This technique has long been used with great success by Marriage Encounter.)  Let us know how this works out.  Good luck!

I wonder if it is easier - or more difficult - to stepparent before one has parented.  Does being a father first make you a better stepfather?  Or, does the role of stepparent so vary from that of parent that whether or not you have Parenting 101 before enrolling in Stepparenting makes little difference?  Does it seem that Parenting 101 follows rules that are self imposed; but, the rules of Stepparenting are often the creation of the original parent which the stepparent is expected to follow?

Is it easier on the family if both members of the couple are “Steps?”  What is it that makes for good stepparenting?

Gravy train is over, honey; don’t you have an interview soon? Economic downturn or no (or because of it), it’s time to make your own money, adult child, and contribute.

Are you really moving in with that young man [read: loser]?

Graduate school? What do you mean you need MORE tuition money?

And, you thought those parenting days were done.

It’s even more fascinating when there are multiple parents in the mix. At this past weekend’s celebration, at the mom’s house (the one with the newish husband), all was cordial, with extended family on both sides of the divorce commingling with old and new friends, neighbors, and long-lost cousins. Our daughter never realized that the gray-haired fellow offering directions was the mom’s second husband. See, he couldn’t have been any more different than the ex, our girl’s godfather. And the house, gorgeous to a fault, with no detail left unconsidered, was a long way from the casual, comfy tract house from their former life.

Do we find our match and truly become ourselves when we remarry? Maybe “mom” always wanted that showcase, but couldn’t exercise that design gene with number one. The relaxed nature of that first husband, echoed in the easygoing giggles of his girl (the graduate), had found an equally laidback match, so very different from her more reserved counterpart.

So, perhaps all is good. There are reasons we move on. Sometimes people kid themselves, and mold to another uninspired choice. More often than not, though, I see “real” selves emerging as we graduate to new lives. As my husband said when we were courting, “I can be myself with you.”

And that’s a good reason to be together.

The next Springer was Stella an it was great fun to stand at the back door and yell “Stellllllllllaaaaa” like Stanley Kowalski.   The runt of the litter, Stella was lean, and occasionally mean.  But she conquered the heart of the LOML and came along, like an old maiden aunt, when remarriage brought us to Maryland.

I loved my dogs.  But they knew they were dogs.

So, what do I do with Stella’s stepbrother?  A territorial Bichon Frise who I call “Tuna Breath” when we’re just the two of us.  A white bundle of curls who believes the sofa is his, that whizzing outside is grounds for sirloin rewards, and that I am an intruder? 

I refer to him as “my husband’s dog from his first marriage.”  As long as he gets the sofa, insults don’t seem to bother him.