by LaSara Firefox

With respect, a clear understanding of the rules, and a whole lotta love for the kids, ex-spouses are redefining family.

Some call it divorce; I call it the “Two-Family Solution.” Assuming your divorce was peaceful and you and your ex have basic respect for one another, there’s no reason not to revel in the benefits the Two-Family Solution can bring to you and your kids.

Benefit 1: You get a weekly, kid-free vacation!

How many of your mom and dad friends would kill for just one night off a week? Sometimes, heartless as it may sound, I find myself gloating when I reflect on the weekly Tuesday night dates my new hubby and I share. It’s a ritual for us.

Truly, our date night can be a lifesaver, even when it’s days away.

Don’t get me wrong – I miss my girls when they’re gone. But those moments when it’s just me and my thoughts – or my man – are the real benefit of those kid-free days.

Benefit 2: You get to teach your kids that more than one set of rules may apply.

The world is a wide, wild, and varied place with sometimes complexly convoluted rules.

Ideally, you and your ex will have agreed on basic ground rules about school conduct, drugs, alcohol, and dating, and what discipline measures are within bounds. My ex and I had to institute a “reporting” clause because our younger child was playing sides, and we had to show her we were still the boss(es).

It’s not your right, though, to tell your ex that he can’t feed the kids meat just because you’ve gone vegan. (That’s the kids’ negotiation to undertake.)

Despite your areas of agreement or disagreement, never badmouth the other parent’s rules! Besides, one of the kids is sure to come to the other parent’s defense and rebel against your rules in retaliation.

Benefit 3. Your kids get more of everything: parents, relatives, people saving money for their future, gifts on holidays, support, and love! (And, in the best-case scenario, so do you!)

I couldn’t afford a 2-week vacation to Maui at a five-star resort just after the ex and I split, but the kids got to go with their dad’s parents. It was perfect for them to be able to have such a memorable, relaxing vacation in the middle of what was an admittedly tough time.

And although fewer of us are able to save for college these days, some extended family members are starting rainy-day funds for some very loved and very lucky kids. In emergencies – financial or otherwise -it’s nice to know a crew at hand to bail you and yours out.

The Two-Family Solution can help minimize holiday struggles too. Through patience, dedication, and a basis of shared values, you and your ex may reach a point where, like me, you share family holidays. With each divorce and remarriage in my own huge family, we’ve only gotten stronger and more diverse, while enjoying the benefits – and, of course, the (mostly minor) irritations – that any family brings. In those moments of familial camaraderie as we sit around a holiday table graced with food, the benefits outweigh the exasperations by a long shot.

If you and your ex and your family get along, plus new spouses and their exes get along, and the new spouses’ families like the ex-spouses’ families and your family – that’s a lot of love! And a lot of support when you and the kids need it most.

This is the response of the postdivorce generation. As our children grow, marry – and perhaps divorce – and have children of their own, we will continue the new tradition of inclusion. And slowly, generation by generation, family will just be family; however we choose to build or define it.

LaSara Firefox, a coach, author, and educator, helps people find balance in their lives and alignment with their personal and family-held values. Media across the country have featured her latest project, Gratitude Games. See www.lasarafirefox.com .