In Honor and Memory of  John S. Visher, MD, March 2, 1921 – April 17, 2009, we are including the following announcement by Dr. Margorie Engel, former President of the Stepfamily Association of America before our article, “In Step With a Pioneer” below.

As entrepreneurial ideas go, it wasn’t far-fetched—simply “Change the world for stepfamilies!”  Back in 1977, that’s exactly what John and Emily Visher decided to do.  Following 18 years of unexpected challenges while trying to integrate two families with four children in each, they were convinced that the tasks would have been easier with support and assistance.

Thanks to the Visher’s conviction and willingness to roll up their sleeves, the California stepfamily organization was born.  Brochures were printed, a newsletter was published, and the first annual membership conference was held in December 1979—in a living room.  The local media was curious and paid attention.  So did network television.  The calls began pouring in and they clearly indicated it was time to begin working on a national level.  John and Emily noted, “People were so happy to have someone to talk with who understood where they were coming from.”

John’s and Emily’s “ours child,” the Stepfamily Association of America, was almost immediately recognized as an important national resource.  In 1980, the White House Conference on Families made the following policy recommendations:
It should be the policy of the Federal Government that the stepfamily is a reality in America today and that all publications, programming, and funding recognize the fact.

In the midst of all this public awareness, the organization simply outgrew the Visher’s kitchen.  Management of the fledgling stepfamily efforts had been demanding all of Emily’s time and, at long last, John would be able to relinquish some of his marketing and cooking chores.  In 1982, SAA hired a paid Executive Director.

The Stepfamily Association of America quickly became a visible presence throughout the United States and a number of foreign countries.  Recognized as a reliable source of research information, the organization was called upon for quality help by those who wanted to provide good information, programs, and materials for their clients, students, listeners, viewers, readers, and membership.  SAA also spawned a number of additional stepfamily groups.

In 1999, the Stepfamily Association of America celebrated its 20th birthday during my first year as president.  Our volunteer Board continued to expand SAA’s primary emphasis on research-informed stepfamily information and education (books, educational materials, professional training, conference programs), media awareness (newspapers, magazines, radio, television, and movies) of stepfamily strengths and tribulations, and international (North America, South America, Europe, Asia, Africa and the Oceania countries of Australia and New Zealand) stepfamily research and support.  (My visit to Antarctica in 2005 indicated that stepfamily members working there were in “good shape.”)

As I prepared to retire, SAA’s Board recognized that stepfamily needs were  greater than the Stepfamily Association’s volunteer resources to meet them.  Given the difficulties that stepfamilies continue to have within their households and through existing detrimental laws and social policies, it became clear that a major education focus for stepfamilies, all of the professionals who serve them, and our federal and state policy-makers was critical.

At this opportune moment, the National Stepfamily Resource Center (NSRC) was founded in May 2006 as part of Auburn University’s Center for Children, Youth, and Families.  Dr. Francesca Adler-Baeder, Director of CCYF, was SAA’s former Director of Family Life Education and now serves as Executive Director of the National Stepfamily Resource Center <http://www.stepfamilies.info>.  The NSRC presence was seeded with SAA’s donation of its web site, its research-based educational materials and programs, its on-going projects, and the expertise of its professionals, now known as the Stepfamily Expert Council.

The National Stepfamily Resource Center is not a membership program; there are no membership fees.  NSRC makes all of its stepfamily information and resources available to all stepfamilies, all stepfamily support groups, all stepfamily web sites, all stepfamily authors and their publishers, all training of professionals who work with stepfamilies (counselors, therapists, educators, doctors, lawyers, financial advisors, clergy, etc.), conference programers and, of course, the media.  Adopting the Vishers’ and SAA’s vision, the National Stepfamily Resource Center’s primary objective is stepfamily education and to make research-informed stepfamily information widely available.

“I am so pleased that the Stepfamily Association of America’s work is going to be carried forward by the National Stepfamily Resource Center at Auburn.  I know Emily would have been as happy as I am that stepfamilies will continue to receive research-informed information, materials, and programs.  It is satisfying to know that our nation’s stepfamily resources will finally have a permanent academic home and will be in the good hands of professionals in our field.  Many thanks to all who have done so much over the past 29 years to support SAA’s vision.”
John S. Visher, Co-founder
Stepfamily Association of America

John and Emily Visher had their own vision that stepfamilies would be accepted, supported, and successful.  The cumulative result of their work is a recognizable turning point for all of us who live and love in stepfamilies.  Through their personal stories and example, research, writing, and speaking, John and Emily showed us all that being in a stepfamily is not just a way to live but a way to live happily and successfully.  Living in a stepfamily is a truly remarkable opportunity for a diverse and fulfilling family experience.

John Visher deeply mourned Emily’s death on October 5, 2001 and, in the years following, a lovely photograph of her was never far from his sight.   It is with profound sadness that we mourn John’s death on April 17, 2009 while he happily connects with Emily once again.

Condolence notes to the family may be sent to Mary Visher, 3255 Woodview, Lafayette, CA 94549.

Written with my love and great respect,

Dr. Margorie Engel
National Stepfamily Resource Center, Stepfamily Expert Council
Former President, Stepfamily Association of America

In Step With a Pioneer, Dr. John Visher

Dr. John Visher and wife, Emily, were in the forefront of the movement to support those parents and kids in the process of starting over.

 By Lise Lingo

It was the late 1950s, and John Visher was living the California life: wife, four kids, nice house, successful psychiatric practice. Emily Browning had the flip side, raising, with her husband, her own brood of four and, unusual for the time, pursuing a doctorate in psychology at Berkeley. When their respective pictures of happiness shattered, they found each other. It wasn’t an easy transition, but it had a happy ending: 42 years of remarriage, before Emily’s death in 2001.

When John and Emily remarried in 1959, stepfamilies were considered strange. “People tended to conceal the fact of remarriage,” says Visher. “At that time there was not a lot of sympathy for stepfamilies.”

As mental health professionals, both Vishers were surprised to find themselves struggling with remarriage issues in the early years. “We had some tough times along the way,” John says. “But we just kept going and tried to make it better.”

Merging families, including eight children ranging in age from tots to teens, had its challenges. “We confronted them all,” says Visher with a laugh. While waiting for their divorces to become final, and for the then required year to pass before they could remarry, the pair vacationed with all the children. Those excursion helped the kids adjust to new brothers and sisters the same age. “We tried not to make it a struggle with the former spouses and the children,” Visher says. “And the children began realizing that they didn’t have to give up their relationships with the other parents.”

More than 18 years of dealing with challenges at home and in practice made it clear to the Vishers that stepfamilies were missing a key tool that could ease these struggles, namely, support and assistance from other families in the same situation. It can help to see other people dealing with the same problems, Visher points out. “We helped people form groups with other stepparents, so as a community we could see what was working,” he says. “Getting people together in groups helped them realize that they were normal people, dealing with a normal relationship. People begin to realize that they’re dealing with issues that are typical. That gives a lot of people hope.”

They hadn’t set out to be pioneers, but pioneers they were. They blended their experiences in the trenches of remarriage with groundbreaking research and counseling for stepfamilies. In 1977, the Vishers started the Stepfamily Association of America (SAA) in their home; two years later, they incorporated and went national. Chapters sprang up in several states (18 in California alone) along with a newsletter, a magazine, and – over time – longitudinal research into best practices. “Arguably, the entire field of interest related to remarriage and stepfamilies gained notice and momentum from [those] humble beginnings in Emily Visher’s kitchen,” wrote Margorie Engel, former president of the association, in the SAA newsletter.

Dr. John and Emily Visher

“It’s important to recognize the difference in time,” the 88-year-old Visher says now, noting the movement from the reactions to his divorce in the 1950s to the new millennium’s divorce-ridden landscape. As the divorce rate rose over the next 4 decades, many people came into remarriage feeling they had failed in their first marriage. “Some people would be so discouraged by the fact that things were tense” in their new marriage, Visher says. “They would think that something was wrong with them. One thing Emily and I did was help people accept that being in a stepfamily is normal and realize that they could make it work.”

According to the recent census, one in three Americans is now part of a stepfamily – that is, a stepparent, stepchild, or stepsibling – whether through birth, divorce, or remarriage. Yet despite greater awareness of stepfamilies in society, members of stepfamilies continue to face often unanticipated legal, logistical, and emotional difficulties. “A large percentage of remarriages fail because people don’t expect what actually happens,” says Visher. They come to the relationship expecting instant love in the new family. But a lasting remarriage takes time – as long as 4 to 6 years, by most estimates.

The couple took on these issues with very practical steps. Through the SAA, they provided guidance to support groups with their “Stepping Together” program. They spoke at clinicians’ and therapists’ conferences. They wrote seminal guides for professionals and for people going through remarriage, such as Stepfamilies: Myths and Realities and How to Win as a Stepfamily. The SAA continues to offer hope and counsel in its new incarnation as part of the National Stepfamily Resource Center at Auburn University, a clearinghouse of information that links research on stepfamilies with best practices in work with stepfamilies.

The Vishers defined a successful stepfamily as one in which both adults and children have mourned the loss of their old relationships; developed realistic expectations about stepfamily life; established new rituals together; formed sustainable relationships with stepchildren, stepparents, or stepsiblings; and developed a cooperative arrangement with the nonresident parents – what Visher calls “a parenting coalition.” Fundamental to success is a strong bond between the new couple.

The Vishers’ tips for a successful remarriage are all keyed to respect: Allow time for relationships to grow. Give each child his or her own space in the house. Agree on a small number of house rules, but negotiate differences in style. Keep other parents in the loop on schedules, plans, and problems. “One of the two or three key things that you can do is try to build a relationship with the other parents, to get them to understand what’s going on,” he says. “You have to get some objectivity about [the divorce]. It’s a hard thing to do but can be accomplished if you get out of the blame game.”

Through examples drawn from their own family experience, through their counseling work, and in their groundbreaking guides for both families and clinicians, the Vishers promoted a positive perspective on remarriage. Their work has been lauded with awards from the Marriage and Family Therapy Foundation and the National Council on Family Relations, and continues to be cited by researchers and used by support groups across the country.

Visher looks back with pride on the success he and his wife achieved in their remarriage: “I’ve been with my present family for more than 40 years. The children all care for each other. We have vacations together sometimes. It’s the norm for them. I’m very proud of them. They’ve married, had children, live in their own homes, but we still all get together.” As Engel put it, the Vishers showed that “being in a stepfamily is not just a way to live but a way to live happily and successfully.”

Lise Lingo writes on issues of health, aviation, and more from her home in Virginia.