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I’m Dreaming of a Peaceful Stepfamily Christmas…

…or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa, celebrated like always! But the only way to trim holiday angst is to make new traditions and keep some old.

by Elizabeth Einstein

Shortly after the long-needled spruce went up in the family room, the trouble began. The holiday tree was anchored in its stand, but stood bare for several days. Opinions on decorating styles, it seemed, were anchored as well, along traditional family lines. As the arguments swirled over tree decorations, they spilled over into what was the perfect time to open gifts: Christmas Eve or Christmas morning?

What a start to this stepfamily’s first Christmas together! Robert and Liz had married in late fall, and now, just weeks after settling into a new house, the holidays were upon them. He was widowed with four children under 12; she was divorced with two teenage daughters. Although everyone seemed excited about the new family they were building, the stress created from so many changes was mounting.

Now they were staring straight at their differences, about how holidays were to be celebrated — and especially how a decorated tree was supposed to look.

In a Solomon-like moment, the family decided to divide the tree into two sections, with each group doing their “traditional” things.

That first stepfamily holiday decision became a family legend that still elicits laughter every time they tell it. Over the years, as they began to feel more like a family, all the members made a commitment to compromise. Rather than a his and hers concoction, this stepfamily created their first ours tree — complete with all the sentimental items and new acquisitions.

Because Robert’s older two children remained tied to stringing popcorn and cranberries and his younger ones insisted on making colorful paper chains as they always had, those old-fashioned decorations festooned their side, Liz and her daughters wouldn’t hear of not using the beautiful ornaments they had collected from their travels. Each shiny globe evoked happy memories for them. And a new tradition emerged: selecting that one special ornament during a family vacation. Because the children had to negotiate which one to buy, their compromises reflected forward steps on their stepfamily journey.

Skirting Holiday Landmines

Memories and traditions are important to all families, but when holidays arrive, remarried families start with several strikes against them. Roots are fragile. Happy memories are fading. Stepfamily members share no common history. Individual traditions may differ vastly and people cling to them for what they represent; giving them up feels like yet another loss. The most important thing is to meet them head on. Acknowledge up front that things are going to be different.

Robert and Liz’s tale is repeated in remarried families everywhere; only the scenarios differ. Add a multi-ethnic remarriage and the learning curve grows. Aunt Nina always expects to have the first night of Hanukkah. Are the stockings hung or laid on the hearth? Where will the Kwanzaa celebration happen? Will Mom let us borrow the unity up (Kikombe cha Umoja) or should we get a new one? Whether adopting a new appreciation for the traditional African celebration of values or celebrating a totally new holiday, each scenario asks the question: What will our new stepfamily values be?

• The holiday itself. Christmas or Hanukkah? Kwanzaa or Christmas? Both?
• The Christmas tree. Live or artificial? Cut down, buy one to plant after the holiday, or return to a favorite corner stand?
• Decorations. New modern menorah or family heirloom? Handmade tablecloth from your grandmom or mine?
• Dress. Dressy or casual?
• Food. “What do you mean we’re having turkey? My mom always makes ham decorated with cherries!”
• Gift and gift-giving. One special expensive item or many smaller gifts? Give to each other or to charity? When do presents get opened? Robert’s younger children always awoke to presents in the morning after Santa’s delivery; Liz’s daughters liked a Christmas Eve ritual so they could sleep in late. Their compromise was opening packages that the mail carrier had delivered in the evening, with Santa’s and the rest on Christmas morning.

Solutions and compromises are there, but working out differences takes advance planning and time. Waiting to open boxes of “his” and “hers” ornaments until it’s time to trim the tree is courting trouble.

Long before the holidays arrive, begin talking about how things were done in former families — and why. “We always used that menorah because it once belonged to our great grandmother in Germany.” Perhaps the decision to get the dreaded artificial tree makes sense when the other side understands it as a green statement — “to save real trees.” Discussions about the emotions behind a tradition can start family members thinking about creative compromises. Sharing traditions, including the ones that still hold warm memories, motivates family members to become more sensitive to each others’ ways and needs. There is no “right” or “wrong,” just raw emotions and long-held beliefs. When it comes to traditions, judging the other way as “wrong” only hurts feelings and hinders stepfamily bonding.

It’s surprising to realize that traditions sometimes are repeated when, in reality, they lost their significance long ago. It might not be so bad to start some new ones.

Visitation Revisited

Pressures are never higher than when discussing who gets the kids during the key holiday moments, whether it’s the annual seder or the Easter Egg hunt. And nowhere does communication become more critical than when clarifying visitation schedules during these supposedly “happy” times.

The already complex family situation is multiplied with remarriage, with stepdads and ex-wives and multiple grandparents all wanting a piece of the action. Imagine this difficult scenario for young children. After sharing Christmas Eve with their mother, Fred awakens his children early because he’s booked them into five 2-hour visits: breakfast at Grandma Helen’s, snack and gifts at Aunt Betty’s, Christmas dinner at Grandma and Grandpa Ellstrom’s house, late afternoon with Fred’s mom before going to supper at Aunt Sarah’s. Is it any surprise that the children are cranky and tired before they even get to the last grandma’s house? By that point, they don’t even care about more presents and have no idea who gave them what loot. They whine and want to go home. All that chaos and they haven’t even had their own stepfamily celebration yet!

Because holidays are emotionally charged, too often what is meant to be a joyful time becomes more terrible than terrific. A better stress-reducing solution would be to plan several celebrations so everyone can truly enjoy each special time. Because December 25 is merely a calendar date, stretching out the festivities can make them more meaningful to everyone.

Although children of divorce deal with many challenges, they aren’t unhappy about all the extra holiday dinners, presents, and attention they get from their new extended family, say researchers. According to the University of Pennsylvania’s Professor Frank F. Furstenberg, Jr., who studied the effects of the extended family on the stepfamily, the key is how well adults handle the situation. Resolving differences with their former spouses and refusing to use the children to settle differences mirror what’s possible in stepfamily living.

Sure, you might have to cook an additional turkey or take another day off, but keeping schedules simple is the secret to a successful holiday.

Looking for Enriching Times

As youngsters travel great distances to be with their other parent, holiday success rests with the adults in both households.

At one end, the children need to be prepared. Acknowledge their feelings and let them know you feel good that they can be with their other parent. Keep any sadness you feel to yourself.

The receiving parent needs to help the children feel comfortable with the transition during this sensitive time. Remember that some children — especially teenagers — would rather be with familiar friends and surroundings. Get them involved in the new experience; avoid treating the kids who don’t live with you year-round as guests. “Hey, Alex, your dad tells me you make great popcorn balls. Would you do that for us while you’re here?” Giving them small responsibilities can make them feel a part of creating the holiday, too — and more a part of your household.

Holidays can be an enriching time for children of remarriage. As youths move between two families, and many travel to new places, stepchildren may meet new people and gain new experiences. Teenager Jenifer says she likes going to her dad’s place in St. John’s the day after Christmas with her dad and stepmother. “It’s cool because one day I am out cross-country skiing with my brothers in New York and the next afternoon I’m out sailing with my dad in the Virgin Islands.” Like Jenifer, who adapted to not being with her mother the entire Christmas week, children can learn to become more adaptable and flexible.

More role models from a greater extended family offer new beliefs, attitudes, and skills. Jenifer’s father recalls how his own creative father loved to paint but couldn’t nail a bird house together. His stepfather’s hobby involved sailing and woodworking. “Learning all that from him led me to become a carpenter and to living on a sailboat. It’s great to have a spare dad,” he says.

For most of us, the holidays are a time of expectations. Unmet ones account for much of the disappointment, sadness, and postholiday depression that people in all families experience. An emphasis on planning ahead and creating realistic holiday expectations will prepare remarried families to receive the gifts the holidays offer. When hopes and dreams are balanced with reality, a joyful exchange of sharing old traditions while making new ones can provide a festive foundation for the stepfamily’s future. And it just might skirt some of those holiday landmines.

Elizabeth Einstein, LMFT, is a nationally known marriage and family therapist. An award-winning author and coauthor of a new teach-out-of the box program, Active Parenting for Stepfamilies, she trains professionals to work more effectively with stepfamilies. She lives in Ithaca, New York.

 

Counseling Expert Jeannette Lofas: For Kid’s Sake, Learn to Co-Parent!

by Jeannette Lofas

Joining forces may not be easy, but it’s critical to your children’s emotional well-being.

For many divorced families, the process of divorce goes on for years and years as the previously wedded parents continue their relationship through the children. Although research suggests that children have a better chance of achieving in life when ex-spouses cooperate in parenting, the Stepfamily Foundation has found that few children have this luxury.

What Is Co-Parenting?

Good cooperative parenting by the exes – co-parenting – involves treating each other civilly. Although it seems obvious that this form of parenting is in the best interests of children, most divorced parents usually fail to work as a team in co-parenting.

Many former partners habitually argue, belittle the other, or refuse to talk at all to each other. Acting out because of old anger or divorce wounds is dangerous for the children. When you engage in such bad behavior in front of your child or badmouth your ex to your child, you actually diminish yourself, your ex-partner, and – most of all – your child. Your upsets only serve to damage your child’s self-esteem. Uncooperative divorced parents must recognize that, when they give voice to their feelings of anger or resentment toward the ex, their children may become anxious, upset, or act out their feelings of low self-worth.

Co-Parenting Successfully

Still, sometimes the very reasons parents divorced may create difficulties in postdivorce co-parenting. To create a cooperative parenting relationship that is healthy for your children, each parent must allow the other the freedom to parent in his or her own way, including acknowledging that the other parent’s new partner – the stepparent, if there is one – will also have a role.

To ensure you are on the right path to successfully parenting as a team, follow five steps:

1.  Talk to each other, plan, and cooperate on all issues regarding the well-being of your children.

2.  Focus your conversation on the child, not on personal resentments or recriminations. If you have unfinished business – perhaps you need to communicate your grievances to your ex – hold these discussions out of earshot of the children.

3.  Establish a consistent visitation schedule, formalize it in legal documents, and stick with it. Be flexible enough, though, to adjust your schedule as needed to allowing for the unexpected – such as when the car breaks down. And honestly try your best to avoid undermining or interfering with your partner’s plans – for instance, make sure you don’t buy those hot concert tickets on your ex’s weekend. Such consistency and flexibility will minimize any potential bickering, ensuring that your children have positive predictability and less stress.

4.  Define with your new partner – if you’ve just formed a new stepfamily – and agree on new family rules, responsibilities, and expectations. It is important that both you and the new stepparent consistently adhere to the new rules.

5.  Accept that the rules of your own family do not necessarily apply to the children’s other household. It is the job of parents and stepparents to convey – and reinforce by example – to their children the message of honoring rules in both households.

Partner No More, But Always a Parent

Following a divorce, many former partners begin to rebuild their lives or create stepfamilies. One of the emotional transitions a person makes during this period is to let go of his or her previous marital role – that of a spouse – but to maintain the role of parent. It may be difficult to co-parent with someone when you still are angry with that person.

It is essential, though, that you put your differences aside. According to research by the Stepfamily Foundation, children of divorce do well when their mothers and fathers – regardless of whether they are remarried – allow the children to enjoy continuing relationships with the other parent.

Jeannette Lofas, PhD, LCSW, founder of the Stepfamily Foundation, is a leading authority on step-relationships and remarriage. She is also a child of divorce and a stepchild, and she lives in a stepfamily. The developer of a management technique that helps a high percentage of remarried couples stay together, Lofas has received a Presidential Award for her work and is the author of five books on managing stepfamilies. For more on the Stepfamily Foundation, see www.stepfamily.org.

Counseling Expert Jeannette Lofas: The Stepfamily Must Become a Team to Survive

by Jeannette Lofas

Stepfamilies are one of the predominant forms of family in America today. Sadly, though, two out of three of these families fail.

Typically, most remarried families complain of the chaos, disorder, and disrespect they encounter in their new family unit. Frequently these families report they do not feel connected, and they totally did not expect the disruption they are facing.

To head off the chaos, the adults in such disconnected families often engage in benching, that is, they take the kids off the team. Picture this: It’s dinnertime, the parents are cooking, and the kids are “benched” on the couch watching TV. What’s wrong with this picture?

Few remarried families, though, feel like a team. Most parents somehow just don’t consider that their family has to be created anew. Instead, they rely on their old ideas and perceptions of how a family works. After all, that’s all they have.

But creating the family all over again is just what they need. Specifically, the adults in disconnected remarried families must create a stepfamily team. Well-informed coaching – such as through the Stepfamily Foundation – can help the parents in blended families to establish new forms, norms, and discipline. Through coaching, both adults and children will learn new roles, rules, responsibilities, and more.

Eventually, the parent and stepparent become the head coaches of the team. They are then in a position to put the children “on the inside” of the family by asking the kids to participate in all family activities. Just as roles and rules exist on a sports team, the couple – parent and stepparent – must, as a team, set “team rules.” Children ages 8 and up might have the “position” of bed-maker or jacket-hanger. Younger children may assist with meal preparation and table setting.

On the fun side, families can enjoy board games or hide-and-go-seek, games that involve teamwork. In one entertaining variation of hide-and-go-seek called sardines, one person hides. When one of the seekers finds the hiding spot, he or she stays hidden in the same spot until everyone ends up hiding together like a can of sardines, except for one person, who is still looking. Together, the family works as a team and has fun trying to keep the hiding spot from being discovered too easily.

Working and playing alongside each other, both children and the parent and stepparent surely will be on the road to a more orderly and respectful household.

Jeannette Lofas, PhD, LCSW, founder of the Stepfamily Foundation, is a leading authority on step relationships and remarriage. The developer of a management technique that helps a high percentage of remarried couples stay together, Lofas has received a Presidential Award for her work and is the author of five books on managing stepfamilies.

Ex Hello?

It was a familiar pair, waiting patiently for the summer weekend beach traffic to subside on Ocean Highway. The telltale beard and tall lankiness of his sidekick were unmistakably my ex and his friend from college days. They were on the morning ritual I had participated in for more than decade, the early Saturday run for a newspaper and breakfast treats.

Though I doubted they noticed me, I waved, receiving a slight nod of recognition from my ex-husband. I had my mother in the passenger seat, and I thought he likely knew we were heading to our beach apartment, a mere block from our old, and his current, haunt.  We had been doing this summer dance for more than 18 years following our split: I in one of several apartments with my extended family, he in our old beach apartment with several of our mutual friends and his new wife.

Some summer, I would stroll down to visit those friends, and we all caught up on lives and former in-laws. Never got around to it this year-didn’t get inspired. But it occurred to me how different it would have been had I seen him with his mother (now, sadly, gone from this world).  I surely would have made the effort to walk the block to say hello. I’d ask how she’d been doing, offer up some kind words to a lady that had always been kind to me. 

Too bad he didn’t feel the need. My 90-year-old mom, who loves my now-husband dearly (isn’t funny how we can’t say “current” spouse, with its terrible temporary connation?), would never expect that visit.  They had a fine-enough relationship then, but she’s not sweating his absence. As we left town later that morning, wondering if it would be her last beach vacation, I couldn’t help but think that maybe this year, he could have given her that little nod of respect.

The good news ? It didn’t ruin our lovely vacation.

I Thought You Were Paying the Tuition!

Finding the dollars and sense of college costs, both in and out of the divorce decree.

by Patricia Schiff Estess

“One of the first things I said to Mark when we talked about marriage 8 years ago,” says Jane, “was ‘I’m not putting your kids through college.’ I was 47, single, and had been prudent with money. Mark, while not a spendthrift, had not begun saving for when his daughters, then 16 and 12, would be college-bound.”

That’s not as harsh as it may sound. According to Michelle Smith, a certified divorce financial analyst in Manhattan, “It’s not what gets said, it’s the silent demands and expectations that cause resentment.” After all, why wouldn’t a stepparent rail if, unexpectedly, he or she is asked to cough up some or all of today’s estimated $110,000 tuition and fees for a private college? (Forget room and board!)

And if, as the custodial parent, you wait until your child is college-bound to hear that your new spouse won’t contribute, you’ll be devastated. That’s when battle cries like “But I thought you loved my kids!” or “Why should your kids get a free ride and not mine?” echo through a household.

Let the Discussions Begin

If we can agree that honest conversation before and during a remarriage leads to a healthy relationship, what can make the talks productive?

• Start with the numbers. How much has been saved for this eventuality, how much can you, individually or as a couple, contribute from your current income, and what other resources do you have to draw on, such as the equity in your home?
• Think realistically. Assess how much you can honestly expect from others: the child’s other parent or a grandparent, for example. If your ex provides sporadic support or complains about it continuously, what’s the likelihood she will open her checkbook graciously when it comes to college-no matter what the agreement says? If he reneges on his contribution, will you haul him into court?
• Assess expectations. Be aware that children from different families have different views of college: Some have been brought up to believe that private college is a birthright; others expect to foot the bill themselves. If that’s the split in your stepfamily, you need to face the differences and decide how to handle them. If you develop a compromise philosophy, such as “we’re going to finance everyone’s tuition, but not room and board,” give the kids time to adjust to your new way of thinking.

Undoubtedly any negative change in what the kids expect to receive for college will be blamed on the “evil” stepparent, even though it may be perfectly logical: Now that the family has more children and a limited pot, each will receive less. To mitigate the possible anger, both parent and stepparent might think of other ways to help the child, such as introducing him or her to a friend who might employ the child for the summer or having a college “garage sale,” with all the proceeds going toward college books or spending money.

• Bring children into the discussions. Once you, as a couple, have decided how you’re going to handle college financing, share your plan with the children. They need to know who’s going to pay for what and what is expected of them, whether they’ll need to earn their own spending money, work during the school year, or apply for financial aid.

Fairness Counts, But Not for Everything

One of the issues that haunts stepfamilies is fairness. Maybe her children have a wealthy biological parent or rich grandparents who will pay tuition. His son might be gifted and is wooed by universities with full scholarships. It may not be fair to the other children, but it is a reality.

Another fairness trap is confusing equitable with equal. “One of the mistakes we made was telling my two sons and Ned’s one that we’d give them each an equal amount of money each year for college,” Sheila says. “As it turned out, one went to pricey private college, one went to a community college, and one took courses, but never matriculated. Because they all got the same amount when in school, the one who went to the private college was always strapped for funds and eventually dropped out, which in retrospect doesn’t seem fair to me.”

And speaking of fairness: While some exes are deadbeats or cheapskates, that’s not true of all. Ill health, poor investments, or unexpected job loss may account for lack of ability to contribute to college funding. As much as that might gall you, try to work with your ex to figure out ways he or she can still contribute, such as continuing child support through the college years or giving up a portion of the ownership in property that you still jointly own. And, assuming it’s possible, encourage your child’s relationship with his or her noncustodial parent, and even get your ex involved in the choice of college. That’s because the closer kids are to their biological parents, the more likely those parents are to contribute.

Keep in mind that, although stepparents have no legal obligation to help with college, many do. After 7 years of stepparenting, Jane has reversed her original proclamation. “Sure the money Mark and I pay affects our lifestyle,” she says.  “But I get such pleasure from the kids that I don’t mind contributing. We’ll take a great vacation when they finish their schooling.”

Patricia Schiff Estess is the author of Money Advice for Your Successful Remarriage: Handling Delicate Financial Issues With Love and Understanding.

Three Simple Benefits of the Two-Family Solution

by LaSara Firefox

With respect, a clear understanding of the rules, and a whole lotta love for the kids, ex-spouses are redefining family.

Some call it divorce; I call it the “Two-Family Solution.” Assuming your divorce was peaceful and you and your ex have basic respect for one another, there’s no reason not to revel in the benefits the Two-Family Solution can bring to you and your kids.

Benefit 1: You get a weekly, kid-free vacation!

How many of your mom and dad friends would kill for just one night off a week? Sometimes, heartless as it may sound, I find myself gloating when I reflect on the weekly Tuesday night dates my new hubby and I share. It’s a ritual for us.

Truly, our date night can be a lifesaver, even when it’s days away.

Don’t get me wrong – I miss my girls when they’re gone. But those moments when it’s just me and my thoughts – or my man – are the real benefit of those kid-free days.

Benefit 2: You get to teach your kids that more than one set of rules may apply.

The world is a wide, wild, and varied place with sometimes complexly convoluted rules.

Ideally, you and your ex will have agreed on basic ground rules about school conduct, drugs, alcohol, and dating, and what discipline measures are within bounds. My ex and I had to institute a “reporting” clause because our younger child was playing sides, and we had to show her we were still the boss(es).

It’s not your right, though, to tell your ex that he can’t feed the kids meat just because you’ve gone vegan. (That’s the kids’ negotiation to undertake.)

Despite your areas of agreement or disagreement, never badmouth the other parent’s rules! Besides, one of the kids is sure to come to the other parent’s defense and rebel against your rules in retaliation.

Benefit 3. Your kids get more of everything: parents, relatives, people saving money for their future, gifts on holidays, support, and love! (And, in the best-case scenario, so do you!)

I couldn’t afford a 2-week vacation to Maui at a five-star resort just after the ex and I split, but the kids got to go with their dad’s parents. It was perfect for them to be able to have such a memorable, relaxing vacation in the middle of what was an admittedly tough time.

And although fewer of us are able to save for college these days, some extended family members are starting rainy-day funds for some very loved and very lucky kids. In emergencies – financial or otherwise -it’s nice to know a crew at hand to bail you and yours out.

The Two-Family Solution can help minimize holiday struggles too. Through patience, dedication, and a basis of shared values, you and your ex may reach a point where, like me, you share family holidays. With each divorce and remarriage in my own huge family, we’ve only gotten stronger and more diverse, while enjoying the benefits – and, of course, the (mostly minor) irritations – that any family brings. In those moments of familial camaraderie as we sit around a holiday table graced with food, the benefits outweigh the exasperations by a long shot.

If you and your ex and your family get along, plus new spouses and their exes get along, and the new spouses’ families like the ex-spouses’ families and your family – that’s a lot of love! And a lot of support when you and the kids need it most.

This is the response of the postdivorce generation. As our children grow, marry – and perhaps divorce – and have children of their own, we will continue the new tradition of inclusion. And slowly, generation by generation, family will just be family; however we choose to build or define it.

LaSara Firefox, a coach, author, and educator, helps people find balance in their lives and alignment with their personal and family-held values. Media across the country have featured her latest project, Gratitude Games. See www.lasarafirefox.com .

Taming That Summertime Chaos Monster

Warring vacations and visitations, bored teenagers. . . . What’s a parent to do? Plan, plan, and plan, say the successful, and you’ll bring that beast to heel.

by Mary K. Zajac

My friend Ann in Philadelphia was relishing a weekend alone with the baby as we chatted about vacation plans. But the days ahead were as much as she could handle. “As of Monday night, we have the baby plus two [children]; the following Sunday, we have the baby plus four. That’s hard enough to keep track of, let alone summer plans!”

Perspective is everything. As a child, you anxiously await the last day of school and the promise of wide-open days filled with sleeping and swimming, biking, and unending video games. As a parent, the promise of children’s idle (read lazy) days becomes time to fill with meaningful activities, camps and classes, and supervised instruction.

As a stepparent, things get even more complicated. Your spouse’s daughter wants to spend the summer scrapbooking. Your son has swim team practice, and your ex’s new spouse has an elaborate European vacation planned. And that’s not even considering the teenagers who basically want to do absolutely nothing.

How do you even begin to manage the chaos that is your kids’ summer vacation?

“Refrigerator magnets, color-coded calendars, and highlighters,” jokes Ann, when she focuses seriously on my planning questions. For someone who juggles the schedules of five kids (two hers, two his, one theirs), I think she’s pretty cheerful when she adds, “Then there’s everything that you let slide.”

Other moms of blended families agree that organization is essential. “The key to planning the summer is just that – planning the summer,” says Valerie Walker, a remarried mother of one and stepmother of two. She’s also a professional organizer and president of her own company, Destination Organized.

Walker begins ordering her family’s summer in March, poring over camp descriptions that come out in early spring, mapping out custody schedules, checking with her ex-husband’s wife and her husband’s ex-wife to see when they want to schedule vacations. She enters every bit of information into an electronic calendar spreadsheet. Once everyone has made their plans, she, as she describes it, “maps it all out like a report” and sends it to both parents. Even throughout the year, she fields phone calls from the other parents asking for reminders of what’s happening when. Despite the amount of work involved, Walker is happy to be the organizer.

“It helps to know who’s doing what,” she explains. “We can’t wing it when there’s this much going on. It’s a lot of kids, a lot of responsibilities. Our regimen doesn’t change unless we plan it.”

My friend Ann’s philosophy of scheduling is much the same: Schedule early and stick to it, even if that means not being able to take advantage of every opportunity. Usually, the pluses outweigh the minuses.

“We don’t go away too much,” she says of herself and her husband. “But every couple of years, my husband’s mom likes to take the extended family on vacation. A couple years ago, she took the family to Mexico, but the kids’ weeks were already planned. I had to say, ‘Sorry.’ ”

“This year, we were mapping out the summer,” she continues, “and I told her, ‘If you’re planning to do a family vacation this year, here’s the week we can do it.’ And she booked it right away.”

Claudette Chêvenert has seen lots of blended families in her practice as a life coach. But she’s also seen summertime issues crop up in her own family.

Her son and stepdaughters are now grown, but she remembers the time when her son traveled to his father’s farm in Canada for the summer. “When I called,” she remembers, “[my son] would start crying. He wanted to come home, and my ex-husband got upset. Before I called, my son didn’t have issues.”

Similarly, when Chênevert and her husband took the newly blended family to Disney World, her stepdaughters wanted to call their mother every day. “It became disruptive,” she says. “We were trying to create new shared experience and bond with them.” But when the girls called home, “they got homesick and began crying. Then I felt very incompetent because I felt I couldn’t do anything about it. I couldn’t comfort them. They wanted their mom.”

Looking back, Chênevert says she wishes she would have set ground rules before they left for vacation, allowing the girls to call home a given number of times, but not every day.

Homesickness is just one aspect of the stress that comes with summer vacations. Communication and negotiation – with the other parent and with the child – are key, says Chênevert, who experienced much of that firsthand. She urges blended families to plan summers together. Having a round-robin-type meeting where “everybody has a say in what they would like to see in a vacation…makes everybody feel they have a part,” explains Chênevert.

“Sometimes visiting children feel they’re not part of a family,” she adds, “especially if they’re not part of decision making. I think it’s a wise thing for parents to sit together, plan together as a family, and negotiate. It’s teaching children negotiation skills.”

Stepmom Paula Bisacre, and reMarriage’s founder, takes this strategy one step further. Negotiation and discussion are fine, she says, but “sometimes you have to be strong about creating time to bond. Even if no one would choose it, a family vacation is critical when you’re getting to know each other. You might have to put your foot down for the good of all.”

But even careful planning can’t account for variables that make up summer. What if one parent can afford a more extravagant vacation and the other, only something modest? What if parents have different ideas on how summers should be spent?

Returning home from a vacation can also create stress in families, especially when their economic status differs. We’re comfortable, says Ann, “but my ex and his wife do quite well financially. So our situation pretty much runs the full gamut of household incomes and vacation/camp arrangements.” The vacations Ann’s husband’s children have with their mom are often limited to trips to the local bowling alley or park, while Ann’s ex and his wife have the means to take Ann’s children to Cape Cod or Florida.

About her children’s different experiences, Ann says this: “I think for the most part they understand that different families do things differently.” Still, she’s relieved when the visitation schedule staggers the kids’ returns home from their vacations with their parents.

Even though parents in blended families realize they can’t control what their children do on vacation with another parent, it can still be frustrating when parents have to negotiate how children will spend the rest of their time. When Ann’s son qualified for a special summer reading program, she “couldn’t wait to sign him up.” But her ex-husband said, “That’s not what summer’s for. Summer’s for fun.”

“I decided, ‘I’m not going to fight this battle,’ ” says Ann. Others might negotiate a balance between something frivolous and life affirming: If she attends Spanish class this summer, then she can go to that video game convention with you.

Walker experienced just the opposite when her husband’s ex-wife hadn’t come up with a plan for the children while she worked during the summer. In what’s become an unspoken agreement, Walker signs all three children up for summer camp, calculates the cost, and submits receipts and a schedule to the children’s mother. No one complains and the children have adequate activities to keep them busy and away from the television.

But what’s most important, most moms say, is putting the kids first. Kathryn M. separated from her husband when her youngest daughters were 9 and 12. After eight years of separation, the couple eventually reconciled, but during their time apart, says Kathryn, “We made the decision that the girls’ lives should be as normal as possible.”

“My husband and I had to keep an open relationship even though I wanted to kill him. We weren’t going to have family holidays or family vacations taken away from [the girls],” she says, “We wanted it to be life as usual.”

Like many children of divorced parents, the girls ended up taking separate vacations with both their mother and their father, but at that age, fitting in two vacations was easy. What was more important than any vacation, though, says Kathryn, was that the girls knew “there was always so much love for them on both sides.”

Mary K. Zajac is a freelance writer living in Baltimore, Maryland.

In Step With a Pioneer

In Honor and Memory of  John S. Visher, MD, March 2, 1921 – April 17, 2009, we are including the following announcement by Dr. Margorie Engel, former President of the Stepfamily Association of America before our article, “In Step With a Pioneer” below.

As entrepreneurial ideas go, it wasn’t far-fetched—simply “Change the world for stepfamilies!”  Back in 1977, that’s exactly what John and Emily Visher decided to do.  Following 18 years of unexpected challenges while trying to integrate two families with four children in each, they were convinced that the tasks would have been easier with support and assistance.

Thanks to the Visher’s conviction and willingness to roll up their sleeves, the California stepfamily organization was born.  Brochures were printed, a newsletter was published, and the first annual membership conference was held in December 1979—in a living room.  The local media was curious and paid attention.  So did network television.  The calls began pouring in and they clearly indicated it was time to begin working on a national level.  John and Emily noted, “People were so happy to have someone to talk with who understood where they were coming from.”

John’s and Emily’s “ours child,” the Stepfamily Association of America, was almost immediately recognized as an important national resource.  In 1980, the White House Conference on Families made the following policy recommendations:
It should be the policy of the Federal Government that the stepfamily is a reality in America today and that all publications, programming, and funding recognize the fact.

In the midst of all this public awareness, the organization simply outgrew the Visher’s kitchen.  Management of the fledgling stepfamily efforts had been demanding all of Emily’s time and, at long last, John would be able to relinquish some of his marketing and cooking chores.  In 1982, SAA hired a paid Executive Director.

The Stepfamily Association of America quickly became a visible presence throughout the United States and a number of foreign countries.  Recognized as a reliable source of research information, the organization was called upon for quality help by those who wanted to provide good information, programs, and materials for their clients, students, listeners, viewers, readers, and membership.  SAA also spawned a number of additional stepfamily groups.

In 1999, the Stepfamily Association of America celebrated its 20th birthday during my first year as president.  Our volunteer Board continued to expand SAA’s primary emphasis on research-informed stepfamily information and education (books, educational materials, professional training, conference programs), media awareness (newspapers, magazines, radio, television, and movies) of stepfamily strengths and tribulations, and international (North America, South America, Europe, Asia, Africa and the Oceania countries of Australia and New Zealand) stepfamily research and support.  (My visit to Antarctica in 2005 indicated that stepfamily members working there were in “good shape.”)

As I prepared to retire, SAA’s Board recognized that stepfamily needs were  greater than the Stepfamily Association’s volunteer resources to meet them.  Given the difficulties that stepfamilies continue to have within their households and through existing detrimental laws and social policies, it became clear that a major education focus for stepfamilies, all of the professionals who serve them, and our federal and state policy-makers was critical.

At this opportune moment, the National Stepfamily Resource Center (NSRC) was founded in May 2006 as part of Auburn University’s Center for Children, Youth, and Families.  Dr. Francesca Adler-Baeder, Director of CCYF, was SAA’s former Director of Family Life Education and now serves as Executive Director of the National Stepfamily Resource Center <http://www.stepfamilies.info>.  The NSRC presence was seeded with SAA’s donation of its web site, its research-based educational materials and programs, its on-going projects, and the expertise of its professionals, now known as the Stepfamily Expert Council.

The National Stepfamily Resource Center is not a membership program; there are no membership fees.  NSRC makes all of its stepfamily information and resources available to all stepfamilies, all stepfamily support groups, all stepfamily web sites, all stepfamily authors and their publishers, all training of professionals who work with stepfamilies (counselors, therapists, educators, doctors, lawyers, financial advisors, clergy, etc.), conference programers and, of course, the media.  Adopting the Vishers’ and SAA’s vision, the National Stepfamily Resource Center’s primary objective is stepfamily education and to make research-informed stepfamily information widely available.

“I am so pleased that the Stepfamily Association of America’s work is going to be carried forward by the National Stepfamily Resource Center at Auburn.  I know Emily would have been as happy as I am that stepfamilies will continue to receive research-informed information, materials, and programs.  It is satisfying to know that our nation’s stepfamily resources will finally have a permanent academic home and will be in the good hands of professionals in our field.  Many thanks to all who have done so much over the past 29 years to support SAA’s vision.”
John S. Visher, Co-founder
Stepfamily Association of America

John and Emily Visher had their own vision that stepfamilies would be accepted, supported, and successful.  The cumulative result of their work is a recognizable turning point for all of us who live and love in stepfamilies.  Through their personal stories and example, research, writing, and speaking, John and Emily showed us all that being in a stepfamily is not just a way to live but a way to live happily and successfully.  Living in a stepfamily is a truly remarkable opportunity for a diverse and fulfilling family experience.

John Visher deeply mourned Emily’s death on October 5, 2001 and, in the years following, a lovely photograph of her was never far from his sight.   It is with profound sadness that we mourn John’s death on April 17, 2009 while he happily connects with Emily once again.

Condolence notes to the family may be sent to Mary Visher, 3255 Woodview, Lafayette, CA 94549.

Written with my love and great respect,

Dr. Margorie Engel
National Stepfamily Resource Center, Stepfamily Expert Council
Former President, Stepfamily Association of America

 

In Step With a Pioneer, Dr. John Visher

Dr. John Visher and wife, Emily, were in the forefront of the movement to support those parents and kids in the process of starting over.

 By Lise Lingo

It was the late 1950s, and John Visher was living the California life: wife, four kids, nice house, successful psychiatric practice. Emily Browning had the flip side, raising, with her husband, her own brood of four and, unusual for the time, pursuing a doctorate in psychology at Berkeley. When their respective pictures of happiness shattered, they found each other. It wasn’t an easy transition, but it had a happy ending: 42 years of remarriage, before Emily’s death in 2001.

When John and Emily remarried in 1959, stepfamilies were considered strange. “People tended to conceal the fact of remarriage,” says Visher. “At that time there was not a lot of sympathy for stepfamilies.”

As mental health professionals, both Vishers were surprised to find themselves struggling with remarriage issues in the early years. “We had some tough times along the way,” John says. “But we just kept going and tried to make it better.”

Merging families, including eight children ranging in age from tots to teens, had its challenges. “We confronted them all,” says Visher with a laugh. While waiting for their divorces to become final, and for the then required year to pass before they could remarry, the pair vacationed with all the children. Those excursion helped the kids adjust to new brothers and sisters the same age. “We tried not to make it a struggle with the former spouses and the children,” Visher says. “And the children began realizing that they didn’t have to give up their relationships with the other parents.”

More than 18 years of dealing with challenges at home and in practice made it clear to the Vishers that stepfamilies were missing a key tool that could ease these struggles, namely, support and assistance from other families in the same situation. It can help to see other people dealing with the same problems, Visher points out. “We helped people form groups with other stepparents, so as a community we could see what was working,” he says. “Getting people together in groups helped them realize that they were normal people, dealing with a normal relationship. People begin to realize that they’re dealing with issues that are typical. That gives a lot of people hope.”

They hadn’t set out to be pioneers, but pioneers they were. They blended their experiences in the trenches of remarriage with groundbreaking research and counseling for stepfamilies. In 1977, the Vishers started the Stepfamily Association of America (SAA) in their home; two years later, they incorporated and went national. Chapters sprang up in several states (18 in California alone) along with a newsletter, a magazine, and – over time – longitudinal research into best practices. “Arguably, the entire field of interest related to remarriage and stepfamilies gained notice and momentum from [those] humble beginnings in Emily Visher’s kitchen,” wrote Margorie Engel, former president of the association, in the SAA newsletter.

“It’s important to recognize the difference in time,” the 88-year-old Visher says now, noting the movement from the reactions to his divorce in the 1950s to the new millennium’s divorce-ridden landscape. As the divorce rate rose over the next 4 decades, many people came into remarriage feeling they had failed in their first marriage. “Some people would be so discouraged by the fact that things were tense” in their new marriage, Visher says. “They would think that something was wrong with them. One thing Emily and I did was help people accept that being in a stepfamily is normal and realize that they could make it work.”

According to the recent census, one in three Americans is now part of a stepfamily – that is, a stepparent, stepchild, or stepsibling – whether through birth, divorce, or remarriage. Yet despite greater awareness of stepfamilies in society, members of stepfamilies continue to face often unanticipated legal, logistical, and emotional difficulties. “A large percentage of remarriages fail because people don’t expect what actually happens,” says Visher. They come to the relationship expecting instant love in the new family. But a lasting remarriage takes time – as long as 4 to 6 years, by most estimates.

The couple took on these issues with very practical steps. Through the SAA, they provided guidance to support groups with their “Stepping Together” program. They spoke at clinicians’ and therapists’ conferences. They wrote seminal guides for professionals and for people going through remarriage, such as Stepfamilies: Myths and Realities and How to Win as a Stepfamily. The SAA continues to offer hope and counsel in its new incarnation as part of the National Stepfamily Resource Center at Auburn University, a clearinghouse of information that links research on stepfamilies with best practices in work with stepfamilies.

The Vishers defined a successful stepfamily as one in which both adults and children have mourned the loss of their old relationships; developed realistic expectations about stepfamily life; established new rituals together; formed sustainable relationships with stepchildren, stepparents, or stepsiblings; and developed a cooperative arrangement with the nonresident parents – what Visher calls “a parenting coalition.” Fundamental to success is a strong bond between the new couple.

The Vishers’ tips for a successful remarriage are all keyed to respect: Allow time for relationships to grow. Give each child his or her own space in the house. Agree on a small number of house rules, but negotiate differences in style. Keep other parents in the loop on schedules, plans, and problems. “One of the two or three key things that you can do is try to build a relationship with the other parents, to get them to understand what’s going on,” he says. “You have to get some objectivity about [the divorce]. It’s a hard thing to do but can be accomplished if you get out of the blame game.”

Through examples drawn from their own family experience, through their counseling work, and in their groundbreaking guides for both families and clinicians, the Vishers promoted a positive perspective on remarriage. Their work has been lauded with awards from the Marriage and Family Therapy Foundation and the National Council on Family Relations, and continues to be cited by researchers and used by support groups across the country.

Visher looks back with pride on the success he and his wife achieved in their remarriage: “I’ve been with my present family for more than 40 years. The children all care for each other. We have vacations together sometimes. It’s the norm for them. I’m very proud of them. They’ve married, had children, live in their own homes, but we still all get together.” As Engel put it, the Vishers showed that “being in a stepfamily is not just a way to live but a way to live happily and successfully.”

Lise Lingo writes on issues of health, aviation, and more from her home in Virginia.

Seventh Heaven (blog by Kathy Ely)

“This is second-wife heaven!”

Wha’???? The quote appeared midway through what was otherwise a fairly innocuous party report in “The Reliable Source” gossip column in yesterday’s Washington Post. The scene was a fundraiser for the Washington Humane Society, “Fashion for Paws,” complete with jacketed dogs and fancy ladies walking the runway with their favorite pets. I was mildly annoyed amidst my confusion about this “heaven,” then more so as I reread the surrounding sentences. The crowd, it said, included about “1,000 Georgetown party people, average age of roughly 29, in blazers and cocktail dresses.” The bit ended with the quote, “‘This is second-wife heaven,’” murmured an older lobbyist,” leering, no doubt, after this bevy of young things.

What should we take from this? That older men, tired of the bulging stomachs and graying hair of that deteriorating first wife, long for a new, improved model? That those twenty-somethings are in the market for a tried-and-tested husband, one that appreciates their nubile charms in comparison to the boredom at home? That the naif who croons, “You’re just fascinating,” is better than the richness of an equal, sophisticated, deep and meaningful relationship?

Men and women have moved beyond this, certainly. Though it could be my own naivete, I believe that our fresh start was not based on graying spouses or a search for a trophy partner. Of course, then I watch cable’s newest reality show star, “The Millionnaire Matchmaker “, and see hordes of what I feel are neanderthal attitudes being trotted out week after week. No wonder I worry anew as I gaze into my morning mirror.

I guess there are still golddiggers, and older men looking for trophy wives. I hope they all get what they deserve.

Lucky Number 13: Remarrying the Same Person

Husband Number 1 becomes Husband Number 3: divorces his wife, has second thoughts, marries her again. Kids are confused. Welcome to the merry-go-round world of remarrying the same person.

It was your typical dinner party. Three couples, too much food, copious booze, a profusion of ribald humor. We’d covered politics, the environment, and, inevitably, when the momentum slowed, divorce.

“Divorce is so miserable. Until I met Ralph, I never thought I’d marry again,” says DeeDee.

“I agree. One divorce per lifetime was enough for me as well,” I say.  “But amazingly we seem to be in the minority. People get married and divorced all the time. Like changing shirts.”

“Worse than that,” says Rachel. “People are remarrying the same person. A colleague just married the same woman he divorced 5 years ago. He married someone else in between. Then he divorced 2 and remarried Number 1. He called her Wife 13 since she was Wife Number 1 and 3.”

“Was he happier this time around?” I ask.

“Nope,” answers Rachel. “He complains about her all the time.”

“Isn’t marrying the same person you threw out a few years back a bit like betting on the video replay?” I ask.

“It’s exactly the same,” replies Ralph, evoking his sister’s repeats.

“My friend Debbie married a divorced man,” says DeeDee. “She was so happy she sent his ex-wife a thank you card for letting him go. Then when he chased her around the kitchen with a meat cleaver, she learned why Wife 1 had cut the guy loose. Unbelievably, when Debbie threw him out, he remarried Wife 1. Debbie sent her another thank you card.”

Susan chimes in. “We can top that: Chaz’s uncle.”

“My uncle has been married five times but only to three women,” chuckles Chaz. “He married two of them twice.”

“Were they sequential?” I ask. “It’s a completely different kettle of onions if you marry 1, then dump her and marry someone else. Then seeing how bad 2 is, you realize Number 1 wasn’t so bad after all so you dump 2 and go back to 1. Still doesn’t explain 3 and 4, though.”

“1 and 2 were the same woman. Then 3 and 4 were the same woman. Number 5 was new” comes the explanation.

“Had the women changed in between marriages?” asks DeeDee.

“Nope,” laughs Chaz. “When my uncle complained his wife was stealing from him, we said, ‘Well, she stole from you the first time you were married to her. Why are you surprised now?”

It is that video replay scenario! “This is crazy,” I say. “I can’t believe people marry the same person they chucked out the door in the first place. Seems like they’d be happy to be quits of bad news rather than revisiting the scene of the crime.”

“I think after the divorce, you forget the bad and just remember the good,” says Susan.  “I know if Chaz and I got divorced, all I’d remember would be the good of our 20 years.”

“Twenty years?” cries Ralph. “What’s wrong with you two, anyway? You’re the only ones at the table who have been married to the same person since college.”

“What do you mean what’s wrong with us?” she protests. “We’re the ones who made our marriage a success.”

“But what about your kids? Don’t they feel like outcasts at school?” asks Rachel.

“If you two weren’t so bloody selfish, you’d realize how difficult you’ve made life for them,” snaps Ralph. “Their friends talk about weekends with the noncustodial parent, court battles over child support, their mother dating a guy who sleeps over. I bet your kids are the only ones in their class who don’t hide in their room while their parents fight over custody for spring break. What do your kids have to talk about at lunch? How your whole family went to an art museum over the weekend? Boooring! How could you do that to them? Your kids probably don’t have any friends.”

 ”No friends?” asks Chaz, bewildered. “How about the fact that we’ve been financially successful? We can write out checks for their college education. They’ll graduate debt free.”

“They’ll graduate free of core life values,” snaps DeeDee, waving a pretzel stick in Chaz’s face. “It just shows how you put your own lives first before your kids. You should be ashamed!”

“Well, what should we do?” asks Susan. 

“Get divorced now,” I say. “You owe it to your kids to give them a normal childhood.”

“Well, we do want them to be happy,” says Chaz slowly. “But then what? I love Susan. Do I have to marry someone else?”

“Get divorced, wait a while, have a couple court battles, fight over visitation rights, then reconcile and get back together with Susan,” advises Ralph. “It’s obviously a popular trend. Susan would be Wife Number 12.”

“Don’t I have to marry someone else in between?” asks Chaz.

“Nope,” Rachel replies definitively. “As your uncle proved, it’s not necessary.”

“Wait a second!” exclaims Susan. “This is a sacrifice we’re making for the kids, right?”

We all nod enthusiastically.

“Since it’s for the children and if we’re going to get divorced anyway, I want to marry someone else in between,” Susan says, smiling.

“What?!” Chaz sits upright.

“No problem,” says DeeDee. “Chaz will be Husband 13 then. It will still save the kids.”

“Do you know if that golf pro at Bay Hills is seeing anyone?” Susan asks DeeDee, as Chaz grouses. “He’s awfully cute.”

DeeDee grins. “I’m sure he’s not. Let’s call him,” she says, digging her cell phone out of her purse.

“My company recently hired an interim CFO,” says Rachel. “This would be just like that: An interim husband. It’s a great idea, Susan! Enjoy yourself for 6 months, and when you get bored with wild monkey sex, dump the golf stud and marry Chaz again.”

Susan, with the righteous look of a martyr walking to a burning stake, takes the phone into the other room to make the call.

“Sacrifices like this are rare in today’s self-centered society,” says DeeDee, dumping pretzels into a bowl.

“Yes,” says Rachel as she pours the wine. “It’s such a warm feeling when friends join together and make a difference. I bet those kids’ grades jump a whole point higher!”

“Don’t bother thanking us.” says Ralph, patting Chaz on the shoulder. “That’s what friends are for.”

Leon Frank is a management consultant who conducts seminars around the country and holds dinner parties to survey friends about marriage (and remarriage).

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