Ray writes: I remarried a couple of years ago. My 27-year-old son from my first marriage has asked me to go in with him to purchase a pop-up camper so that we can go camping and fishing together. To my surprise, my wife is very much opposed to this, saying that she feels left out and does not want me going away with my son. I’m not sure what to do—I think I have the right to have a friendship with my adult son. (The money is not an issue; there is enough for me to go in with my son on this purchase.)

Chuck and Jae reply: We think it’s really special that your son wants to spend that kind of time with you, particularly at his age. We certainly encourage you to take advantage of that opportunity. Like you, we are surprised that your wife has taken such a strong position against it. Could it be that she feels you don’t spend much time with her, and your choosing to spend time camping and fishing with your son is going to result in even less time for the two of you together? Is there some reason she might feel that your relationship with your son has a higher priority than your relationship with her? Feelings are not necessarily representative of facts, but if she is feeling that way, it is important to address her perception that she is being “left out.” What a great opportunity at this point in your marriage for important dialogue about relationship time versus individual time.
Obviously, different people have different needs for closeness and distance. This discussion would help the two of you determine what those needs are for you as a couple and how you could both compromise to find that right range of together time. It’s not about whether you have a right to have a relationship with your son. It’s about how you choose to nurture your primary relationship vis-à-vis other relationships.
Jae suggests that you might want to invite her along with you and your son occasionally. That would help her feel included in this part of your life and perhaps more amenable to your spending separate time with your son on other occasions.
Clearly, you would benefit from some self-examination on the issue of how much time and energy you currently devote to your relationship with your wife. If you still believe she is being unreasonable after talking it through, or she’s seemingly forcing a choice between her and your son, couples’ counseling would be the logical next step. We wish you well!