Reader writes:  Hello, I will try to be to the point. I have been with my second marriage for nine years now. I have two boys; he has four kids. I have tried for years to have a closeness with our family, but it’s not working. I have aged twenty years from trying. I believe in treating all the kids the same, but my husband treats his differently. This is all in the way he talks to them, just everything. He’s all about me cleaning for them, buying for them and cooking for them. But, when it comes to parenting, giving them advice as I would my own, he doesn’t allow it. Although he can do this for mine and says he will. To me that is a double standard. I love his kids so much and want to be a great parent for them, but their mom doesn’t want that either and talks badly about me to them so when they come over there is a huge distance between us. I don’t know what else to do.We can’t get it right. And I am now ready to quit because he won’t go to any type of counseling. He says he doesn’t need it. What do I do?

Chuck and Jae reply:  One of the “traps” that step-parents often fall into is the notion that they will be a “great” parent to their spouse’s children.  Such an expectation is usually not very realistic.  Relationships in blended families involve a highly complex mix of emotions and experiences and cannot be forced.  A more achievable goal would be to be a “good enough” parent, allowing the relationships to evolve in their own way, in their own time.

That said, it sounds like your husband and his ex-wife may be placing obstacles in the way of your achieving even “good enough” status.  Also, his ex- may have perceived your efforts toward family closeness as threatening to her role as her children’s mother.

In any case, it seems the situation has reached the point where you could benefit from family therapy.  In view of your husband’s resistance to counseling up to now, you may want to see a therapist on your own and try to work out a strategy to engage the rest of the family.  At a minimum, it could help you find ways to deal more effectively with your situation.