“A Frustrated Partner” writes:  I am my wits end. I am divorced and have been for four years and have a wonderful daughter (age 10).  The guy I live with has also been divorced for four years and has three children (15 girl, 11 boy, 10 girl).  When we dated things were nice; we made time for each other; the children did well together; of course, things went smoothly.  We decided in September to buy a house and move in together. From that moment, there has been nothing but tension and everyone is miserable.  We make zero time for each other (but have tried and he has made numerous excuses).  The children have their on and off days; I feel like I am compromising everything, and he is not.  Of course, he will throw it back in my face that everything is his fault.  He is a police officer and works nights so he can take his kids to sports because the ex-wife won’t.  I truly love this guy, but don’t know what to do.  He won’t communicate with me and says he doesn’t like confrontation so he bottles everything up and then shuts me out.  I feel like I am walking on glass and am afraid to talk to him, say anything to the kids (considered questioning his parenting), or live like myself.  Please any advice would help me/us.  I can see myself with this guy, but don’t know how.

Chuck and Jae reply:  We suggest you try the following approach for starters.  Write a letter to your partner.  Tell him how much you love him and that you want to be part of a happy, healthy family with him and his children.  Say that you would very much like to work with him to meet that goal.

Let him know that, right now, you are feeling very sad about how things between the two of you have developed.  Add that you can imagine he may be feeling sad as well.  Consider, if at all possible, making arrangements for someone to take care of the children for a weekend or, at a minimum, one day, including an overnight stay.  Say that you would like to spend that time with him at a hotel or a bed and breakfast.  Tell him that you want to use that time to enjoy each other’s company and to discuss some ways in which you might be able to spend regular “couples time” with each other.  (In the early stages of our relationship,  we made a commitment to have an overnight stay alone together, once a month.  This helped us nurture our relationship during a period when we were very busy with our careers and involved with kids who were extremely active during the week and on most weekends.)

Before ending the letter, make a comment about some aspect of him that you really love and repeat your hope that the two of you will be able to work things out.  Invite him to respond to you by letter, if he wishes.

Writing letters to each other will give you both a chance to think things through and will greatly reduce the fear that characterizes your current lack of communication.  (This technique has long been used with great success by Marriage Encounter.)  Let us know how this works out.  Good luck!