The problem is that the boundaries between us and our exes are very different.  My fiance’s ex wife has not yet cleared out some of her family heirlooms from the family home that I will be moving into once married in May.  My fiance takes her trash for her from her home to throw away in our trashcan so that she doesn’t have to pay for trash service.  When she has to work late, he goes to her home to stay with the girls and puts them to bed until she gets home which cuts into our Friday night time together, and when he needs to go somewhere, she comes over to the house to stay with the girls and puts them to bed until he gets home.

I, on the other hand, do not allow my ex-husband to come into my home without my presence, nor do I go to his.  We meet in a mutual place to exchange the children except for on occasion he does drop them off at home.  I do take his phone calls to the children freely without a fuss and encourage any extra time they want to or can spend together.  We both attend soccer games, but we celebrate birthdays and other holidays seperately.

While I know that my boundaries may be a little rigid, I feel like his are very unclear.  I and other family members have tried pointing this out to him, but he sees nothing wrong with it.  The conversation we had last night was mainly surrounding the issue of her coming into our home without our presence.  I don’t feel comfortable with her being in our home (the same home that used to be hers) without one of us being present.  I just feel it’s inappropriate and it doesn’t allow for me to establish the home as now being mine with my husband.  I have been accepting of the fact that this home is not hers, but his and has been for the last two years.  But, it seems she has had the ability to visit the home alone with the girls during their divorce, and I don’t feel comfortable having that continue once we are married.

To make matters worse, I have a master’s degree as a professional counselor (though not practicing currently) and am a big believer in healthy boundaries.  As well, we are both deeply religious and use the word of God and the Bible as a guide in our life together as a couple.  Last night, however, he made a statement that there isn’t anything in the Bible about setting boundaries, only loving others and accepting others, and that he isn’t sure about information that comes from psychology and not from God.  I do understand that he is saying he doesn’t understand this whole “boundaries thing,” and honestly it has been quite evident b/c even his 4 year old daughter’s clothes fill his dresser drawers in his room instead of his own.  Her toys are spread around his bedroom and his bathroom has become theirs.  I have managed to help him see that her belongings need to be in her room and her bathroom and that his room needs to be off limits as a playroom.  He has taken to this concept and understanding of why it needs to be that way in this situation, but doesn’t understand the whole ex wife not being in the house thing.

My question is, am I just being too rigid?  I don’t feel jealous of her, but I do think that if I am now trying to establish the home as my own, I need those boundaries.  He doesn’t seem to understand that, and I don’t know how to explain that need to him.  Please give me some advice as to how to proceed.  I want him to understand why it’s necessary and if I’m wrong; I want to understand my own rigidity and where it needs to end.

Chuck and Jae reply:  In our work with couples over the years, we have found that there often are wide differences in several key areas, such as finances (one tends to spend too much, the other too tight-fisted), parenting (one too strict, the other too lenient), intimacy (one wants too much closeness, the other too much distance), and so on.  While these differences can be the source of intense, sometimes damaging, conflicts, they can potentially serve to move both individuals to a healthier place.  We have often said of our relationship that, “Jae has polished up Chuck’s rough edges, and he’s roughed up her polished edges.”

The goal is not to become clones of each other, rather to move both from extreme positions to positions with which they can both be comfortable.  Yours is a good example of how this can work.  You admit that your boundaries might be too inflexible and your fiance’s too loose.  To get to a healthier place that you both can live with, you will need to loosen up in some areas and he will need to set better boundaries.  He has already agreed to do so in the case of his four year old daughter.

We would tend to agree with you that, especially once you are married and have moved in together, there should be a new set of ground rules regarding access to your home by your fiance’s ex.  In your dialogues on the subject, you might want to incorporate a bit of flexibility where the children’s needs are concerned.  There might be some situations, for example, where an exception to the basic rule would make sense.  You could also negotiate alternative arrangements with her.  As an example, if she is working late on a Friday evening, and if she, for financial reasons, is unable to arrange for a baby-sitter, you could take the children to her early Saturday morning.

If your fiance is agreeable, we recommend the two of you consider brief counseling between now and your marriage in May to aid you in developing a mutually acceptable plan for relating to ex-spouses.

Theologians we are not.  We are aware, however, of several passages in both the Old and New Testaments that instruct men as follows (and we paraphrase), “When you are married, you shall leave your mother and father and cleave unto your wife, and the two of you shall become as one.”  We interpret this as a clear statement of boundaries, one which could possibly be extended to include ex-spouses in the same category as parents.  We wish you success in dealing with this issue, and early congratulations on your upcoming marriage.