Katie writes: I’m four years, four months into my second marriage. Both of us came in with kids.  To keep this story short, our kids didn’t get along – his tormented my son, stole from him, verbally and physically abused him.  My husband’s son lived with us for part of a school year in an effort to get him to focus on his homework, etc.  That fell apart due to my husband letting his son play video games all the time and not having to do his homework (he was about 13-14 at the time).  Then, a couple of years ago, his kids broke into our garage and stole something of sentimental value of my son’s and broke it into a million pieceds, as well as lied about the whole thing.  I have banned my step-kids from our house because they are verbally and physically abusive to my husband and me as well. 

The main problems are to do with my husband and I not agreeing on how money is to be spent.  We keep separate accounts; he spends what I believe to be extreme amounts of money on his kids (video games, on-line gaming, phones, etc.).  My son is now in college and I had to borrow money to send him.  My husband now wants all the money to be separate, and basically, we’re not talking.  He’s sullen and argumentative and won’t talk to me or will lie about talking to his kids or ex.

I’m so frustrated I could scream.  What to do?  He already goes to counseling and to a psychiatrist, and I’ve gone with him once.  He hasn’t asked again because I told his counselor the truth about his kids.

Chuck and Jae reply: It sounds like your husband may be acting out of guilt over his kids’ banishment from your home by spending excessive amounts of money on them.  It also seems that your husband has a hard time setting limits for them, having allowed them, among other things, to be verbally and physically abusive to both of you.  Unless he becomes motivated to change his own behavior toward them, there’s little hope that they will change for the better.  Now the situation has evolved into a money fight between the two of you and is causing serious damage to your relationship.

As a first step, we would suggest you back off from criticizing him and his kids.  We’re certain he is well aware of his and their shortcomings, and constant reminders of those will only aggravate matters.  Instead, focus on your relationship with your husband.  Tell him how sad you are that things have come to this point, and that you would like to work with him to improve your communication and restore good energy to the relationship. Don’t bring up the kids or money during this discussion (or letter, if you feel that might be the best way to communicate with him at this point). 

Secondly, you both are going to need outside help to resolve your relationship problems. Ask him if he will agree to go to a marital therapist that you mutually agree on.  Assure him that the primary focus will be on relationship communication, rather than resolving specific issues.  With improved communications skills and more positive feelings about each other, you both will be in a better position to deal with money and other relationship issues.

Some of our clients have also greatly benefited from participation in a Marriage Encounter weekend.  Here, also, the emphasis is on improved communications and better relationship skills, rather than problem-solving.  We wish you well.