Have a question for Chuck & Jae? Email them at advice@remarriagemag.com

Advice

What are My Rights When My Ex Remarries?

Angie writes:  I just have a few questions regarding my ex-husband’s remarriage.  I feel that it is important to know that I do, normally, get along great with my ex-husband, and I am, well, was happy that he was remarrying and that the woman was nice to my girls. However, a wedding invitation was sent to my girls at our home; they reside with me.  I was helping them choose the dinner that they would be enjoying at the reception.  I glanced at the invitation, and to my utter shock, the date of the wedding is my eleven year old daughter’s birthday.

I immediately grabbed the phone (my daughter was at her friend’s house), and called my ex.  I first made light conversation about the meal selections, debating whether I was even going to go there!  However, I thought of my daughter and blatently asked him “Whose brilliant idea was it to get married on her birthday?”   Noting, they are getting married on March 12 at the JP’s office with their 7 month old twins (my girls’ half-sisters), and her parents; my daughters are not invited to the private wedding ceremony and I had to explain that to them.  He gave a million excuses, blah, blah, and I told him “hey, whatever, but it seems really insensitive to me, and absolutely wrong, but I understand that you have your logic, so whatever.”

Is this practice of getting married (wedding is in two months, JP office open most days) on my daughter’s birthday acceptable?  And, is it common practice to exclude the groom’s 10 and 11 years olds from the private ceremony?  My oldest daughter is a daddy’s girl, and just loved his fiancee, and she is really hurting because of this.  She doesn’t openly display this, but when she and I were alone, I told her that I found out (she wouldn’t tell me) about the birthday/wedding bullcrap.  I asked her if she was okay with that, and she is not.  She is wondering why they did that, and I don’t know what to say.  I just told her that when she has feelings like this, and if she hurting, that if I can’t help her myself, that I would get her counseling or she can call on my sister, or people close to her when she is feeling sad.

While speaking with my ex (very brief conversation), he said that he can’t believe that I even commented on his wedding date.  I left him nine years ago, for no other reason than we were very incompatible and I couldn’t stand him -  noting this because this could come off as jealousy.  I am just concerned for my daughter, and wonder if this issue is one in which I can say that it is totally inappropriate for this to occur on her birthday and  not look like an idiot.  I just can’t believe that this would be happening.  And now, my daughter said that his fiancee knew her actual birthdate, so it’s hard not to wonder if the fiancee didn’t plan this to hurt my daughter.

Please get back to me as soon as possible.  My daughter is not one to share her feelings, but she asked me to take the long way home last night when I spoke to her about this issue.  Tears filled her eyes, and I just told her that if the date is not changed, that life will have to go on, but somehow she will be stronger by getting through it, and every step of the way, she can let me know what she needs, or if she needs to talk to someone, or see a counselor for tools to deal with this.  I just think that people are just brushing this off as oh well, what’s the big deal–she’s eleven, and now has seen the other part of her life, at her dad’s, turn into a hurting situation.  She loves going there, and now I just see this wave of sadness when she thinks of her dad. She does not know how to handle the confusion, and the questions she has, well, I really feel that he should deal with them.

Also, one more question.  If this is totally unacceptable, would it be absurd of me to insist on another date and that they be included in the private ceremony?  Would it be distasteful for me to say that if they are not included in the private family wedding ceremony, then I am not sending them to the reception either?  I will not let my girls be thrown to the wolves.  So what rights am I entitled to as far as even speaking about their wedding?

Chuck and Jae reply:  Let’s start with your final question. Yes, it would not be a good idea for you to insist on another wedding date and that your daughters be included in the private ceremony. Moreover, you would be doing your daughters a great disservice, as well as causing potentially serious damage to their relationship with their father and his fiancee, by not allowing them to attend the wedding reception. We assure you, letting them attend will not be “throwing them to the wolves.”  It’s not about your “rights,” or “entitlement” -  it’s more about what would be best for your daughters.

You didn’t mention what his reasoning was for choosing that particular date or why he chose not to invite the girls to the private ceremony. If you were not satisfied with his explanations, we would recommend the next step be that you encourage your daughters to take up both subjects with him. The main objective would be for them to let him know that they are having some feelings about his decision. Then they should be prepared to accept his response. We don’t believe that this situation, however disappointing to you and to your daughters, merits the kind of response you are suggesting.

Your letter indicates that your daughters have a very good relationship with their father’s fiancee; therefore, we can’t imagine the fiancee deliberately trying to hurt your oldest daughter in this fashion.  On the other hand, it is important for the future of their relationship, as the girls go through the critical adolescent years, that this ceremony not be marred by a major conflict if it can be avoided.  We believe it is very important for divorced parents not to be disparaging of each other to their children. This confuses them and puts them in loyalty binds. Under normal conditions (unless the situation is particularly egregious, such as abuse, etc.), we think it best that the children be encouraged to express their feelings directly to their parent. This would be much more effective and will minimize the appearance of the other parent using the children as a pretext for expressing his or her own agenda.

Your desire to protect your daughters from harm is praiseworthy. You must be careful, however, not to inadvertently deny them opportunities to learn to speak up for themselves and to directly influence the satisfaction of their needs.

Forgive us if we have misinterpreted the tone of your letter, but it suggests to us that you have a lot of anger toward your ex-spouse. For your sake, as well as your daughters, we recommend you take a look at that anger and try to find a way to resolve that.

Dealing with Depression in the Stepfamily

My Heart is Breaking writes:  I have recently married the man I have dated for the last 5 years.  We have been married for 6 months.  We split up numerous times while dating because he would just out of the blue shut me and my kids out and tell me he can’t give me what I want.  We each have two children.  His children (17, girl and 14, boy) do not live with us and the girl hardly visits.  His son is with us most weekends and over half of the summer.  My children (11, girl and 8, boy)  love my husband with all their heart. 

The issue is my husband has turned cold to my children.  He has just told me he isn’t happy and doesn’t want to come home to us and that my children fight too much.  If they make any kind of noise or have a disagreement, my husband gets mad and doesn’t want to be around them (or me).   When I asked him why he has seemed so happy until now, he said it is because we haven’t been home that much since the wedding (we travel with our job together).  I don’t disagree that my children have issues; their actual father is a piece of work and has caused a huge amount of problems that they are scared from.  My husband recognizes this, but now he acts like he doesn’t care about any of us.  No matter what I do with my children to make things better, (I have them in counseling, I keep them away from him at night if he comes home before they are in bed; I try to do anything to make things better), he resents the fact that they exist and all they want is to love and hug on him and he cringes.  All he will say is “if it works out, it will work out.”  I told him divorce is not an option and he just looks at me.  It is like he enjoys hurting us and we do nothing but love him. 

He battles depression, and I told him his ‘pattern’ has started and he needs to go to his doctor and have his meds adjusted to which i get the response, “I am fine.”  I don’t know what to do.  My children love him so much and he for some reason wishes they didn’t exist.  However, the last five months he has been happy with them, takes my son with him all the time and watches tv with my daughter.  Then one day it all turns to cold hate.   Please help.

Chuck and Jae reply:  We are truly saddened by the difficulties you and your children are experiencing with your husband.  It must be very confusing and frustrating for you.

Based on what you have shared in your email, we believe the issue is primarily your husband’s depression.  His irritability, inconsistency, bouts of isolation and periodic withdrawal from your children are symptomatic of untreated depression.  Your suggestion that he see his doctor about this is on target.  If he continues to go untreated, his condition will probably worsen.  The impact on you and your children will intensify as well.

Since he denies he is having a problem, it’s unlikely he will seek help on his own.  Therefore, we recommend you discuss the situation with a family therapist to consider options for persuading him to have his depression treated.  One option that comes to mind is an “intervention” conducted in the therapist’s office with you, your children and your husband present.  In this session, you and your children would let your husband/their stepfather know how much you love him and how concerned you are about his emotional health, provide some examples of his negative behaviors and how they have impacted you, and, finally, tell him how important it is to all of you for him get help.

If he firmly refuses to treat his depression, you will want to consider the potential seriousness of the impact of his behavior on the emotional health of you and your children. Then you will do what is best and safest for all of you.

Sunday Dinners – Have Cake and Eat it, too?

Susan, the ex-stepmother writes:   My blended family life was finally well adjusted and peaceful after twenty years, then my husband and I separated five years ago. We both have new partners now. His two adult children, my steps, always had Sunday dinner with us. We carried on the tradition after our separation. Life was good until the ex and I acquired partners. The new partners (who also have children) rarely join us, and are uncomfortable with the Sunday dinner tradition even though we are now on neutral ground – my stepson’s home.  To make matters more uncomfortable, my steps’ biological mother has decided to invite herself to the Sunday dinners since they are now on neutral ground. Neither my ex or I like the woman.

Do you think it is possible for us to continue the Sunday dinner tradition? Will some just have to be excluded? I am loath to end family ties, but want to move on with my new relationships. Only one of my stepchildren is willing to come to my new home and have a relationship with my new partner. I am beginning to think it impossible to have my cake and eat it too – at least at the family Sunday dinner.

Writing this out highlights how complicated it all has become. I think we have reached the point where it cannot be worked out. We have to choose which relationships to continue because we cannot continue them all.

Thank you for any insights or suggestions you may have.

Chuck and Jae reply:   Congratulations on having successfully navigated the sometimes rough waters of the blended family for all those years.  The fact that your stepchildren have chose to continue the tradition of having Sunday dinners together with you, even after the separation, says a lot about the quality of your relationships with them.

If we understand you correctly, the current arrangement for this gathering involves just you, your ex-spouse and the mother of your stepchildren.  Neither of your new partners attend, and neither of you enjoy the company of your stepchildren’s mother.  To add to your discomfort, only one of your stepchildren is willing to spend time in your new home with you and your current partner.

We agree that the Sunday dinner arrangement should be discontinued.  That does not mean that you have to end your long-term relationships with your stepchildren.  You obviously mean very much to them.  We recommend you tactfully let them know that you plan to discontinue attending the Sunday dinners, because you would like to spend that time with your new family.  We think they would understand that reasoning, and it may relieve them of some of the awkwardness they themselves probably have been feeling.  Also, please remember that their discomfort is not necessarily about you, but more likely their reaction to all the changes that have taken place.

We also recommend you inform them that you want to continue your relationship with them, albeit on a different basis.  Perhaps you can meet with them for dinner or lunch (just the three of you) and talk about how you might do that.  For example, you could arrange for a specific time and place to meet as a trio on a regular basis.  At some future point, if the relationship continues, circumstances could evolve to where both of them are comfortable with your present partner.  If that should occur, you could then establish newer traditions for family gatherings that would include them and your family.  If not, you could continue to maintain contact with them in a variety of different scenarios.

Obviously, as you have already noted, they will each choose for themselves whether and how they wish to relate to you.

Are You a Positive Voice or Another Log on the Fire?

Reader writes:   How do you show any respect to an ex that doesn’t show their ex (my boyfriend) any respect?  She calls when she wants something, and doesn’t return calls made to her.  She has seriously bad-mouthed him to their girls because he left her and in her mind it was because of me, so I am the bad guy as well. My boyfriend isn’t a spring chicken, and I feel bad that he isn’t allowed to have any relationship with his girls because of what his ex has told them.  My boyfriend has a wonderful relationship with both of my children.  I have pictures and things from my kids whereas he doesn’t because of his ex.  I feel guilty at times because I get to have my kids and he doesn’t.  I am very outspoken that they may not be my kids, but what if something were to happen to him and they have lost all this time that they could’ve been in his life.  He has told his ex that he would pay for counseling for him and the girls so they could have some sort of relationship, and the only thing she can ask is if he has his life together and is living alone. When she does talk to him she asks questions about me and my kids.  She has been told that it is none of her concern and she still insists on asking.  When they were going through their divorce, I was the one according to her that was doing everything – her office was broken into and this and that. She doesn’t even know me from Jane Doe, and she is making up things about me.  I do worry about her showing up after he has gone for work or coming into the house while we are gone.  (She did this while they were separated and divorcing).  She has made the comment that locksmiths are cheap. What advice can you provide?

Chuck and Jae reply: It sounds like your boyfriend’s children are choosing not to spend time with him, basically because of what their mother has been telling them about him.  We assume, then, that they have reached the age where they can legally make that choice; otherwise, her boyfriend would normally have visitation rights that could not be denied him, except for the most serious of reasons. 

If they are old enough, they are probably avoiding contact with him because, for whatever reasons, they feel they must remain loyal to their mother.  Perhaps when they get older, and are on their own, they may seek him out and attempt to have a relationship with him.  In the meantime, we suggest he continue to acknowledge their special days (birthdays, graduations, holidays, etc.) with a card and a gift, as appropriate. 

Alternatively, he could open savings accounts for them or invest in savings bonds in their name for their future use.  For the children’s sake, it is important for both of you to act respectfully (read politely) during any communications with their mother.  It sounds like your boyfriend’s ex is still very angry about his leaving her and, even though they are divorced, is unable to let go. The only person who can change that situation is she. 

In the meantime, try not to react to her in ways that will fan the flames of her anger.  Understand that the only thing you have control over here is how you choose to respond to what is going on.  You can either be a positive voice or just another log on the fire.

As for her comment that “locksmiths are cheap,” we don’t believe locksmiths can legally unlock a property that doesn’t belong to someone.  If you truly believe her threats are serious, you may have to involve the police.

Ready to Quit – He Won’t Go to Counseling

Reader writes:  Hello, I will try to be to the point. I have been with my second marriage for nine years now. I have two boys; he has four kids. I have tried for years to have a closeness with our family, but it’s not working. I have aged twenty years from trying. I believe in treating all the kids the same, but my husband treats his differently. This is all in the way he talks to them, just everything. He’s all about me cleaning for them, buying for them and cooking for them. But, when it comes to parenting, giving them advice as I would my own, he doesn’t allow it. Although he can do this for mine and says he will. To me that is a double standard. I love his kids so much and want to be a great parent for them, but their mom doesn’t want that either and talks badly about me to them so when they come over there is a huge distance between us. I don’t know what else to do.We can’t get it right. And I am now ready to quit because he won’t go to any type of counseling. He says he doesn’t need it. What do I do?

Chuck and Jae reply:  One of the “traps” that step-parents often fall into is the notion that they will be a “great” parent to their spouse’s children.  Such an expectation is usually not very realistic.  Relationships in blended families involve a highly complex mix of emotions and experiences and cannot be forced.  A more achievable goal would be to be a “good enough” parent, allowing the relationships to evolve in their own way, in their own time.

That said, it sounds like your husband and his ex-wife may be placing obstacles in the way of your achieving even “good enough” status.  Also, his ex- may have perceived your efforts toward family closeness as threatening to her role as her children’s mother.

In any case, it seems the situation has reached the point where you could benefit from family therapy.  In view of your husband’s resistance to counseling up to now, you may want to see a therapist on your own and try to work out a strategy to engage the rest of the family.  At a minimum, it could help you find ways to deal more effectively with your situation.

Communication Suggestion for a Frustrated Partner

“A Frustrated Partner” writes:  I am my wits end. I am divorced and have been for four years and have a wonderful daughter (age 10).  The guy I live with has also been divorced for four years and has three children (15 girl, 11 boy, 10 girl).  When we dated things were nice; we made time for each other; the children did well together; of course, things went smoothly.  We decided in September to buy a house and move in together. From that moment, there has been nothing but tension and everyone is miserable.  We make zero time for each other (but have tried and he has made numerous excuses).  The children have their on and off days; I feel like I am compromising everything, and he is not.  Of course, he will throw it back in my face that everything is his fault.  He is a police officer and works nights so he can take his kids to sports because the ex-wife won’t.  I truly love this guy, but don’t know what to do.  He won’t communicate with me and says he doesn’t like confrontation so he bottles everything up and then shuts me out.  I feel like I am walking on glass and am afraid to talk to him, say anything to the kids (considered questioning his parenting), or live like myself.  Please any advice would help me/us.  I can see myself with this guy, but don’t know how.

Chuck and Jae reply:  We suggest you try the following approach for starters.  Write a letter to your partner.  Tell him how much you love him and that you want to be part of a happy, healthy family with him and his children.  Say that you would very much like to work with him to meet that goal.

Let him know that, right now, you are feeling very sad about how things between the two of you have developed.  Add that you can imagine he may be feeling sad as well.  Consider, if at all possible, making arrangements for someone to take care of the children for a weekend or, at a minimum, one day, including an overnight stay.  Say that you would like to spend that time with him at a hotel or a bed and breakfast.  Tell him that you want to use that time to enjoy each other’s company and to discuss some ways in which you might be able to spend regular “couples time” with each other.  (In the early stages of our relationship,  we made a commitment to have an overnight stay alone together, once a month.  This helped us nurture our relationship during a period when we were very busy with our careers and involved with kids who were extremely active during the week and on most weekends.)

Before ending the letter, make a comment about some aspect of him that you really love and repeat your hope that the two of you will be able to work things out.  Invite him to respond to you by letter, if he wishes.

Writing letters to each other will give you both a chance to think things through and will greatly reduce the fear that characterizes your current lack of communication.  (This technique has long been used with great success by Marriage Encounter.)  Let us know how this works out.  Good luck!

Almost Fiance’ Has House With Ex Wife

Reader writes:  Do you have any advice on how to deal with an almost fiancé, J.,  who was once married and still owns a house together with his ex wife of five years?  We are in California.  She is in Kentucky.  When they separated, she could not qualify to be on the title (he’s on the title, she’s on the loan together with him) so they agreed on an arrangement where she could stay in the house and he would stay on the title as long as she would pay the mortgage which she’s been doing for five years.  His ex has been with someone new for over three years now, and they are living together in the house with their three-year-old daughter.  My boyfriend has a ten-year-old son that we have nine months out of the year, and she has three months out of the year (son is in year-round school and goes to see his mom when he’s out of school once every three months for a month).  My boyfriend is talking with her now about figuring out something to do with the house now that we’re getting serious, but there’s a good chance she (or she and her new boyfriend) won’t be able to qualify to take over the title due to the economy and their financial status.  My thought is that if that ends up being the case, then they should sell the house so we can move on, but J. is concerned for his son’s well-being and isn’t 100% sure that he would want to do that for his son’s sake and because he made an agreement with his ex.  I’m thinking that this might be a deal breaker for me if they don’t figure out a solution to dealing with the house.  Any advice? 

(NOTE:  This question is answered by guest expert, Carl Delmont, CEO of Freedmont Mortgage.  Carl is the weekly mortgage expert on ABC TV News, CBS, CITADEL, and Shamrock radio stations in and around Baltimore, MD.)

Carl replies:  Being on title gives your fiancé legal ownership of the property. His ex is essentially a tenant who is liable for the mortgage payment, as she has the financial obligation, but no ownership. Aside from this being a “deal breaker” for you, you and your fiancé have other areas of concern. First, I am assuming that the mortgage payments go directly to the Kentucky home, since she is making the payments.  If she misses a payment, it will show up as a late payment on your fiancé’s credit report, which may prevent you both from buying a home, car, etc. in the future.

Moreover, the payment of the Kentucky home will be counted against him/you when you look to make a major purchase.  Since she lives there and has been making payments, she should ask her current lender to consider refinancing the current loan in solely her name and adding her to the deed. Your fiancé could then sign off the deed and remove any liability. If there are any concerns over equity, your fiancé could place a second mortgage against the property for an amount that they both agree is fair.  It is nice that he is concerned over his ex and their son, but this arrangement has the real potential to hinder, or worse, harm your new partnership in many ways.  You should strongly suggest that your fiancé consult a competent real estate attorney and arrange to place the home in the name of his ex. No matter how you slice this arrangement, it is bad for both parties: she has no ownership and he is hurt if a payment is missed.  Now that both of them have started new lives, it is time to start a new arrangement with this home.

Different Ways of Parenting

A writes:  My new husband and I have different ways of parenting.  He yells and rants for about twenty minutes at my 12-year-old, whereas I would basically tell her what she did wrong and punish her by taking her cell phone, ipod, computer and/or friends away for a certain length of time.  My feeling is that the step- parent should not be the disciplinarian of his or her new spouse’s children.  Everything should funnel through the biological parent.  Am I correct in my thinking?  Please help!

Chuck and Jae reply:  Relationships between children and step-parents take time to develop and mature.  A child will normally not willingly accept discipline from a non-biological parent until this relationship has developed in a healthy way over time.  It’s been our experience that things work out best if the biological parent has full responsibility for all of the discipline, at least during the early stages of the relationship.  With Jae’s children, I eventually learned (after some misguided beginnings) that I could serve both her and the children much better in the role of “consultant.”  There were times when I would privately suggest an approach that would work for Jae. Other times, the children would ask me for advice on how they could tell Jae something which they knew might be upsetting to her. 

The only times I would directly deal with her children on disciplinary issues would be when they did something that specifically involved me.  Examples included taking something of mine without permission, failing to show up when I had promised to pick them up somewhere, or being disrespectful to me, etc. Even in these cases, I would (respectfully) let them know how I felt about the matter and tell them that I would discuss it with their mother, who would decide on an appropriate consequence.

In any case, “yelling and ranting” are not healthy ways to deal with disciplinary issues in any family. This kind of behavior usually has adverse effects on a child’s self-esteem and often creates internalized anger that is acted out in negative ways. Furthermore, we don’t know of any parents who feel better about themselves after a bout of yelling. Many of them have reported, in retrospect, that they were probably mis-directing their anger at the children, when the real problem was related to something else in their lives.  Others simply lacked effective parenting skills.  A number of these parents declared that a few sessions of individual and family counseling were very helpful.

Love For Better or Worse

C writes:  I am 37 and have always wanted to find the man who would complete my life.  Now that I have found him; there are so many elements I never considered.  He has children; I am excited about blending with his family, but have apprehension about my own abilities to parent.  He has been married before, and assumed he would invite his ex-wife to our wedding. When I voiced my apprehension about an ex at the wedding, he backed down; but now I feel guilty….and I don’t know why.

His credit has been fraught with difficulties.  My credit is not perfect, but I have fought to strengthen it, and now I am a little anxious about taking on huge debts and credit challenges.

Having said all this, I have to say again, this is the man for me, and I will unconditionally love him for better or worse….I just wonder if I will respect myself in the morning.

Can you offer advice or resource suggestions where I could go to learn more, and be better prepared for the journey I am about to endeavor?  Many thanks.  C 

Chuck and Jae reply:   Thank you for your question.  After reading it, we concluded that you (and perhaps your fiance) would be best served by discussing your issues with a therapist.  If you choose to do this, be prepared to discuss, at a minimum:

- What is his relationship with his ex?  How long have they been divorced?  Why did they get divorced?  Has she remarried?  Why does he want to invite her to the wedding?

-  How long have you known him?  Why are you apprehensive about her attending the wedding?  Is it about your own insecurity, or have you noticed things about his relationship with his ex- that make you uncomfortable?

-  What is he doing about his debts?  Have you discussed how finances will be handled after you marry?  If so, are you comfortable with what you agreed to?

We believe that after considering the above matters with a therapist, you will be in a much better position to assess the situation and make whatever decisions you need to make.  Best wishes!

Will Advice for Remarried and 70

Reader writes: Do you have any advice on how to write a will when the wife (age 70) has children by a prior marriage and there are no children by the current marriage?  The wife wants her current husband (age 63) to have enough to live comfortably but does not want a wife to walk in after she dies, spend or keep it all, and leave the children with nothing.

(NOTE:  This question is answered by guest expert, Roberta J. Windham, Esq., (Rjwindham2005@yahoo.com). Her practice focuses on trust and estate planning.  Ms. Windham has offices in Eldersburg and Reisterstown, MD.)

Roberta replies:  Although there may have been a time when one could write their own simple Will and in doing so, feel that their estate would be handled as they wished, things are more complex today.  Many people do not live in what some call “traditional families”.  Many families come together after multiple marriages and include children, step-children, foster and/or adopted children.  A simple Will leaving everything to a loving surviving spouse directly generally does not satisfy these Testators’ wishes.

Today’s blended families require more careful planning and professional advice.   A professional estate planning attorney should be employed to review your assets and discuss how you want those assets distributed at death.  Once the professional determines the extent of your assets and your distribution wishes, he/she will create a plan incorporating your desires.   The plan will probably include either a Will with testamentary trusts to insure the assets are distributed among the survivors as you direct or an Intervivos Trust with similar provisions depending on your particular situation.

Some plans may be quite complex and include various trusts and provisions designed to channel the assets from one survivor or group of survivors to another.  Other plans may be slightly simpler depending on each individual situation.

Although hiring a professional may be costly initially, having the peace of mind that comes with knowing your property will pass on to the loved ones you’ve chosen and that it won’t be thwarted is worth the price.

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