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Advice

Ready to Quit - He Won’t Go to Counseling

Reader writes:  Hello, I will try to be to the point. I have been with my second marriage for nine years now. I have two boys; he has four kids. I have tried for years to have a closeness with our family, but it’s not working. I have aged twenty years from trying. I believe in treating all the kids the same, but my husband treats his differently. This is all in the way he talks to them, just everything. He’s all about me cleaning for them, buying for them and cooking for them. But, when it comes to parenting, giving them advice as I would my own, he doesn’t allow it. Although he can do this for mine and says he will. To me that is a double standard. I love his kids so much and want to be a great parent for them, but their mom doesn’t want that either and talks badly about me to them so when they come over there is a huge distance between us. I don’t know what else to do.We can’t get it right. And I am now ready to quit because he won’t go to any type of counseling. He says he doesn’t need it. What do I do?

Chuck and Jae reply:  One of the “traps” that step-parents often fall into is the notion that they will be a “great” parent to their spouse’s children.  Such an expectation is usually not very realistic.  Relationships in blended families involve a highly complex mix of emotions and experiences and cannot be forced.  A more achievable goal would be to be a “good enough” parent, allowing the relationships to evolve in their own way, in their own time.

That said, it sounds like your husband and his ex-wife may be placing obstacles in the way of your achieving even “good enough” status.  Also, his ex- may have perceived your efforts toward family closeness as threatening to her role as her children’s mother.

In any case, it seems the situation has reached the point where you could benefit from family therapy.  In view of your husband’s resistance to counseling up to now, you may want to see a therapist on your own and try to work out a strategy to engage the rest of the family.  At a minimum, it could help you find ways to deal more effectively with your situation.

Communication Suggestion for a Frustrated Partner

“A Frustrated Partner” writes:  I am my wits end. I am divorced and have been for four years and have a wonderful daughter (age 10).  The guy I live with has also been divorced for four years and has three children (15 girl, 11 boy, 10 girl).  When we dated things were nice; we made time for each other; the children did well together; of course, things went smoothly.  We decided in September to buy a house and move in together. From that moment, there has been nothing but tension and everyone is miserable.  We make zero time for each other (but have tried and he has made numerous excuses).  The children have their on and off days; I feel like I am compromising everything, and he is not.  Of course, he will throw it back in my face that everything is his fault.  He is a police officer and works nights so he can take his kids to sports because the ex-wife won’t.  I truly love this guy, but don’t know what to do.  He won’t communicate with me and says he doesn’t like confrontation so he bottles everything up and then shuts me out.  I feel like I am walking on glass and am afraid to talk to him, say anything to the kids (considered questioning his parenting), or live like myself.  Please any advice would help me/us.  I can see myself with this guy, but don’t know how.

Chuck and Jae reply:  We suggest you try the following approach for starters.  Write a letter to your partner.  Tell him how much you love him and that you want to be part of a happy, healthy family with him and his children.  Say that you would very much like to work with him to meet that goal.

Let him know that, right now, you are feeling very sad about how things between the two of you have developed.  Add that you can imagine he may be feeling sad as well.  Consider, if at all possible, making arrangements for someone to take care of the children for a weekend or, at a minimum, one day, including an overnight stay.  Say that you would like to spend that time with him at a hotel or a bed and breakfast.  Tell him that you want to use that time to enjoy each other’s company and to discuss some ways in which you might be able to spend regular “couples time” with each other.  (In the early stages of our relationship,  we made a commitment to have an overnight stay alone together, once a month.  This helped us nurture our relationship during a period when we were very busy with our careers and involved with kids who were extremely active during the week and on most weekends.)

Before ending the letter, make a comment about some aspect of him that you really love and repeat your hope that the two of you will be able to work things out.  Invite him to respond to you by letter, if he wishes.

Writing letters to each other will give you both a chance to think things through and will greatly reduce the fear that characterizes your current lack of communication.  (This technique has long been used with great success by Marriage Encounter.)  Let us know how this works out.  Good luck!

Almost Fiance’ Has House With Ex Wife

Reader writes:  Do you have any advice on how to deal with an almost fiancé, J.,  who was once married and still owns a house together with his ex wife of five years?  We are in California.  She is in Kentucky.  When they separated, she could not qualify to be on the title (he’s on the title, she’s on the loan together with him) so they agreed on an arrangement where she could stay in the house and he would stay on the title as long as she would pay the mortgage which she’s been doing for five years.  His ex has been with someone new for over three years now, and they are living together in the house with their three-year-old daughter.  My boyfriend has a ten-year-old son that we have nine months out of the year, and she has three months out of the year (son is in year-round school and goes to see his mom when he’s out of school once every three months for a month).  My boyfriend is talking with her now about figuring out something to do with the house now that we’re getting serious, but there’s a good chance she (or she and her new boyfriend) won’t be able to qualify to take over the title due to the economy and their financial status.  My thought is that if that ends up being the case, then they should sell the house so we can move on, but J. is concerned for his son’s well-being and isn’t 100% sure that he would want to do that for his son’s sake and because he made an agreement with his ex.  I’m thinking that this might be a deal breaker for me if they don’t figure out a solution to dealing with the house.  Any advice? 

(NOTE:  This question is answered by guest expert, Carl Delmont, CEO of Freedmont Mortgage.  Carl is the weekly mortgage expert on ABC TV News, CBS, CITADEL, and Shamrock radio stations in and around Baltimore, MD.)

Carl replies:  Being on title gives your fiancé legal ownership of the property. His ex is essentially a tenant who is liable for the mortgage payment, as she has the financial obligation, but no ownership. Aside from this being a “deal breaker” for you, you and your fiancé have other areas of concern. First, I am assuming that the mortgage payments go directly to the Kentucky home, since she is making the payments.  If she misses a payment, it will show up as a late payment on your fiancé’s credit report, which may prevent you both from buying a home, car, etc. in the future.

Moreover, the payment of the Kentucky home will be counted against him/you when you look to make a major purchase.  Since she lives there and has been making payments, she should ask her current lender to consider refinancing the current loan in solely her name and adding her to the deed. Your fiancé could then sign off the deed and remove any liability. If there are any concerns over equity, your fiancé could place a second mortgage against the property for an amount that they both agree is fair.  It is nice that he is concerned over his ex and their son, but this arrangement has the real potential to hinder, or worse, harm your new partnership in many ways.  You should strongly suggest that your fiancé consult a competent real estate attorney and arrange to place the home in the name of his ex. No matter how you slice this arrangement, it is bad for both parties: she has no ownership and he is hurt if a payment is missed.  Now that both of them have started new lives, it is time to start a new arrangement with this home.

Different Ways of Parenting

A writes:  My new husband and I have different ways of parenting.  He yells and rants for about twenty minutes at my 12-year-old, whereas I would basically tell her what she did wrong and punish her by taking her cell phone, ipod, computer and/or friends away for a certain length of time.  My feeling is that the step- parent should not be the disciplinarian of his or her new spouse’s children.  Everything should funnel through the biological parent.  Am I correct in my thinking?  Please help!

Chuck and Jae reply:  Relationships between children and step-parents take time to develop and mature.  A child will normally not willingly accept discipline from a non-biological parent until this relationship has developed in a healthy way over time.  It’s been our experience that things work out best if the biological parent has full responsibility for all of the discipline, at least during the early stages of the relationship.  With Jae’s children, I eventually learned (after some misguided beginnings) that I could serve both her and the children much better in the role of “consultant.”  There were times when I would privately suggest an approach that would work for Jae. Other times, the children would ask me for advice on how they could tell Jae something which they knew might be upsetting to her. 

The only times I would directly deal with her children on disciplinary issues would be when they did something that specifically involved me.  Examples included taking something of mine without permission, failing to show up when I had promised to pick them up somewhere, or being disrespectful to me, etc. Even in these cases, I would (respectfully) let them know how I felt about the matter and tell them that I would discuss it with their mother, who would decide on an appropriate consequence.

In any case, “yelling and ranting” are not healthy ways to deal with disciplinary issues in any family. This kind of behavior usually has adverse effects on a child’s self-esteem and often creates internalized anger that is acted out in negative ways. Furthermore, we don’t know of any parents who feel better about themselves after a bout of yelling. Many of them have reported, in retrospect, that they were probably mis-directing their anger at the children, when the real problem was related to something else in their lives.  Others simply lacked effective parenting skills.  A number of these parents declared that a few sessions of individual and family counseling were very helpful.

Love For Better or Worse

C writes:  I am 37 and have always wanted to find the man who would complete my life.  Now that I have found him; there are so many elements I never considered.  He has children; I am excited about blending with his family, but have apprehension about my own abilities to parent.  He has been married before, and assumed he would invite his ex-wife to our wedding. When I voiced my apprehension about an ex at the wedding, he backed down; but now I feel guilty….and I don’t know why.

His credit has been fraught with difficulties.  My credit is not perfect, but I have fought to strengthen it, and now I am a little anxious about taking on huge debts and credit challenges.

Having said all this, I have to say again, this is the man for me, and I will unconditionally love him for better or worse….I just wonder if I will respect myself in the morning.

Can you offer advice or resource suggestions where I could go to learn more, and be better prepared for the journey I am about to endeavor?  Many thanks.  C 

Chuck and Jae reply:   Thank you for your question.  After reading it, we concluded that you (and perhaps your fiance) would be best served by discussing your issues with a therapist.  If you choose to do this, be prepared to discuss, at a minimum:

- What is his relationship with his ex?  How long have they been divorced?  Why did they get divorced?  Has she remarried?  Why does he want to invite her to the wedding?

-  How long have you known him?  Why are you apprehensive about her attending the wedding?  Is it about your own insecurity, or have you noticed things about his relationship with his ex- that make you uncomfortable?

-  What is he doing about his debts?  Have you discussed how finances will be handled after you marry?  If so, are you comfortable with what you agreed to?

We believe that after considering the above matters with a therapist, you will be in a much better position to assess the situation and make whatever decisions you need to make.  Best wishes!

Will Advice for Remarried and 70

Reader writes: Do you have any advice on how to write a will when the wife (age 70) has children by a prior marriage and there are no children by the current marriage?  The wife wants her current husband (age 63) to have enough to live comfortably but does not want a wife to walk in after she dies, spend or keep it all, and leave the children with nothing.

(NOTE:  This question is answered by guest expert, Roberta J. Windham, Esq., (Rjwindham2005@yahoo.com). Her practice focuses on trust and estate planning.  Ms. Windham has offices in Eldersburg and Reisterstown, MD.)

Roberta replies:  Although there may have been a time when one could write their own simple Will and in doing so, feel that their estate would be handled as they wished, things are more complex today.  Many people do not live in what some call “traditional families”.  Many families come together after multiple marriages and include children, step-children, foster and/or adopted children.  A simple Will leaving everything to a loving surviving spouse directly generally does not satisfy these Testators’ wishes.

Today’s blended families require more careful planning and professional advice.   A professional estate planning attorney should be employed to review your assets and discuss how you want those assets distributed at death.  Once the professional determines the extent of your assets and your distribution wishes, he/she will create a plan incorporating your desires.   The plan will probably include either a Will with testamentary trusts to insure the assets are distributed among the survivors as you direct or an Intervivos Trust with similar provisions depending on your particular situation.

Some plans may be quite complex and include various trusts and provisions designed to channel the assets from one survivor or group of survivors to another.  Other plans may be slightly simpler depending on each individual situation.

Although hiring a professional may be costly initially, having the peace of mind that comes with knowing your property will pass on to the loved ones you’ve chosen and that it won’t be thwarted is worth the price.

Boundaries with Husband’s Ex Wife

So Frustrated I Could Scream

Katie writes: I’m four years, four months into my second marriage. Both of us came in with kids.  To keep this story short, our kids didn’t get along - his tormented my son, stole from him, verbally and physically abused him.  My husband’s son lived with us for part of a school year in an effort to get him to focus on his homework, etc.  That fell apart due to my husband letting his son play video games all the time and not having to do his homework (he was about 13-14 at the time).  Then, a couple of years ago, his kids broke into our garage and stole something of sentimental value of my son’s and broke it into a million pieceds, as well as lied about the whole thing.  I have banned my step-kids from our house because they are verbally and physically abusive to my husband and me as well. 

The main problems are to do with my husband and I not agreeing on how money is to be spent.  We keep separate accounts; he spends what I believe to be extreme amounts of money on his kids (video games, on-line gaming, phones, etc.).  My son is now in college and I had to borrow money to send him.  My husband now wants all the money to be separate, and basically, we’re not talking.  He’s sullen and argumentative and won’t talk to me or will lie about talking to his kids or ex.

I’m so frustrated I could scream.  What to do?  He already goes to counseling and to a psychiatrist, and I’ve gone with him once.  He hasn’t asked again because I told his counselor the truth about his kids.

Chuck and Jae reply: It sounds like your husband may be acting out of guilt over his kids’ banishment from your home by spending excessive amounts of money on them.  It also seems that your husband has a hard time setting limits for them, having allowed them, among other things, to be verbally and physically abusive to both of you.  Unless he becomes motivated to change his own behavior toward them, there’s little hope that they will change for the better.  Now the situation has evolved into a money fight between the two of you and is causing serious damage to your relationship.

As a first step, we would suggest you back off from criticizing him and his kids.  We’re certain he is well aware of his and their shortcomings, and constant reminders of those will only aggravate matters.  Instead, focus on your relationship with your husband.  Tell him how sad you are that things have come to this point, and that you would like to work with him to improve your communication and restore good energy to the relationship. Don’t bring up the kids or money during this discussion (or letter, if you feel that might be the best way to communicate with him at this point). 

Secondly, you both are going to need outside help to resolve your relationship problems. Ask him if he will agree to go to a marital therapist that you mutually agree on.  Assure him that the primary focus will be on relationship communication, rather than resolving specific issues.  With improved communications skills and more positive feelings about each other, you both will be in a better position to deal with money and other relationship issues.

Some of our clients have also greatly benefited from participation in a Marriage Encounter weekend.  Here, also, the emphasis is on improved communications and better relationship skills, rather than problem-solving.  We wish you well.

Vacation Traditions and Balking Teenagers

Meghan writes: My husband and I just got remarried and we each have children. Traditionally, my family vacations at the beach and his vacations on the ski slopes. We can’t afford to take two big vacations. Sure, we can alternate years and cover both types of vacation. But, what are some ways that we can make the trips enjoyable while we are there? We have teenagers, and when one doesn’t want to be somewhere, it can surely be a miserable time for everyone (and especially since the attitudes of the older kids heavily influence their younger siblings).

Chuck and Jae reply: One of the biggest challenges for remarried families is trying to merge two different family cultures. Especially during the early stages of the remarriage, it is important to honor, as much as possible, the traditions of the families in which the children were raised. Granted, this might not always be feasible, and/or some modifications to these traditions might be required. Retaining important family traditions will help the children deal with their sense of loss related to the end of their parents’ former marriage.
Another part of this challenge is how the children incorporate the traditions of their stepparents’ families into their own lives. This part can be even trickier. They may not care for these traditions, or simply may not have enough room in their lives to accommodate two complete family cultures. In such cases, careful negotiation will be required to ensure that everyone’s most important needs are met. Only then can a third family culture—that of the remarried family—emerge, eventually.

Sleeping In “Her” Bed

Monique writes: My husband, who had been married before (it’s my first), brought his double bed along when we combined our furnishings. I’m uncomfortable about sleeping in the same bed he shared with her. What’s the best way to approach him on this, or should I not make a big deal of it?

Chuck and Jae reply: When Jae and I moved in together, we “combined” our furniture too. After about 2 years, the only piece remaining from my effects was a La-Z-Boy recliner, which was relegated to a far corner of the house. The process was so smoothly accomplished by her that I hardly noticed what was going on. I must admit, in retrospect, that her taste in furniture was much better than mine.
The best way to approach your husband on this would be simply to tell him of your discomfort. If it’s not a big deal with him, he’ll probably agree to get another bed.
On the other hand, if he retained the bed because it is very comfortable for him or for some other practical (read nonsentimental) reason, you might want to consider beforehand whether you would be willing to compromise in some way (like buying new mattresses).

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